A few weeks back, I submitted an article to Evie Magazine titled, Where Have All The Good Men Gone? Actually They’re Everywhere.
It’s a question that many women ask, but too few attempt to answer. The article received a pretty good response from Evie’s readership, but I’d like to keep the conversation going since this topic isn’t one to be covered in only one piece.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic ever since Fox News pundit Tomi Lahren went on her Facebook rant about men that went viral back in August.
I’ve never been much of a follower of Tomi’s work, as I’m not among her target audience. I was a bit surprised to see her in the light, though. I always just assumed she’d be more in line with the picture perfect conservative lifestyle, complete with a magnate husband, white picket-fence, and a kid or two. Of course as we all know now, I was wrong.
However, it was interesting to see that not even she has it figured out yet. And by “it” I mean men and relationships. In her PSA To Boyish Men, Tomi appears just as clueless as so many other modern women when it comes to dating.
She rails against today’s men and calls them “trash,” then offers advice on how to land “talented, skilled, ambitious women” like herself and her friends “who have something going on.”
She goes on to complain that she is tired of men who just want to text, never make plans, and eventually ghosts her.
“It really does not help me, or my friends, or any woman in general if you are really cool and you are really interested when you first start talking to them, and then give it three, four, five days and all of a sudden, you’re not consistent anymore.” – Tomi Lahren, PSA To Boyish Men
While her frustrations are valid and her expectations of men are absolutely reasonable, it still seems that she is very unaware of a few vital fundamentals. She’s oblivious of herself, of men, and how to attract the right men (the good men) in her life.
I understand that Tomi’s rant is months old by now, and this post isn’t really about her. I only use her as an example to illustrate the problem that many women seem to face. Tomi, like many women in her position, make one big mistake. Instead of learning about attraction and filtering for quality men, they shift the blame by saying, “Well men everywhere are just trash! Can’t find ’em cuz there aren’t any.” That sentiment simply just isn’t true.
It’s definitely not always easy. There are serious skills involved in how to manifest the outcomes and commitment you want from a relationship with a man of virtue. It’s a true art form in various ways. It can take years to master, but it’s necessary to do if you want to achieve a happy, fulfilling, and long lasting relationship.
I outlined a few key ideas in the Evie article: mindset, placing standards, and effective communication (assertiveness). There are other which I will likely go into in a future article, but these are the main ones I wanted to drive home first.
One big problem I see is, a lot of women don’t know what a good man really looks like. They believe in all these dreamy ideals about getting a guy who’s rich, tall, and successful. While these things may be nice, they really don’t mean much. A guy can be 6’2, high income, high status and still be a shitty partner. He can still be an emotionally unavailable commitment-phobe who leaves her on “read.”
In order to find a good man, you first have to be the kind of woman who attracts a good man. You can’t be a Basic Becky and expect Mr. Wonderful. Then, you have to know how to identify a good man vs the low value and undesirables. There are many guys who insist they are among the good ones. But what men say they are and who they really are are often two very different things. As you can see in the comments section of the Evie article, there are several guys (the MGTOW and Black Pill types) who make examples of themselves. They’ll tell you that you should lower your standards when that is not what you should be doing at all. I’ve had a lot of success with men and relationships by doing the opposite of that.
When women keep their standards low and in the wrong place, it attracts lower quality males. Tomi Lahren says she’s tired of dealing with men who don’t make plans when she really shouldn’t be dealing with them at all. She should be the one leaving them on “read.” Too many women waste time on toxic men who don’t behave in a respectable manner.
It’s convenient to have these experiences with men and just blame them for the way things are. And of course, they are not without fault. But the truth is also that men act the way they do because women allow them to. As long as they keep putting up with it, men will continue to demonstrate bad behavior.
It take a good dose of maturity and mindfulness to look inwardly and see what you might be wrong instead of blame-shifting, but when you do, you’ll realize that good men will respond well to the standards and boundaries you create and enforce.
Until next time,
Ashley Pariseau
Welcome back, Ash! Nice to see you!
Overall, I agree with you but I think that you missed a point.
I didn’t read Ms. Lahren’s article but I did check her out on Wiki. If you’re wondering where all the good men are, as you point out you have to know what one looks like but the second part is you need to be looking in places where they may be.
Ms. Lahren appears to operate in the realms of politics and entertainment, professions known to attract people with large egos. I don’t know if that’s the pool she’s basing her opinions on. But, if you don’t want to deal with self-absorbed people, don’t look for suitable candidates in professions that attract them.
Going a little tangential, when viewed from the perspective of Attachment Theory and age, the dating pool isn’t a pool, it’s a “mixer=settler tank.” If you take the accepted values that 50% of the population have secure attachments and 50% have insecure attachments (anxious, avoidant, fearful), the older you get the less suitable candidates there are. People with secure attachments are likely to eventually attach to someone with a secure attachment and settle out of the stream. Over time, that leaves a higher percentage of people with insecure attachments as candidates. When viewed from the perspective of Attachment Theory, the statement, “All the good ones are taken” becomes more accurate the older you get. They are taken. If you’re drawing candidates from a pool containing a large number of candidates with insecure attachments, it could get pretty ugly. Secure people are unlikely to reenter the stream voluntarily and if they were a catch the first time, they won’t stay on the market long if they don’t want to.
As http://WWW.Despair.Com put it, “Dysfunction – The only consistent feature in all your dissatisfying relationships is you”
Hey Scharnhorst, and thank you! You make an excellent point. I had thoughts along these same lines but didn’t know how to put it into words, I also thought you know I’m not sure exactly where she is looking for men to date. I don’t know what her tastes are but you are perhaps right about her field being in politics and entertainment.
And let me just take this time to compliment you on how great of a commenter you are. You always put a lot of thought and effort into your comments, and even when you disagree, you do it with grace. I really appreciate your conversations.
Thank you!
That was very kind.
Hi Ash,
Can you please write about
“Evolutionary psychology – Male vs Female Reproductive-Biological Imperative”
It’s a new rising trending topic online and going mainstream.
Thanks 🙂
I’ll look into this, thank you.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) most American women are finally seeing the sad and destructive results if the failed social engineering experiment call feminism.Despite having achieved more than their mothers and grandmothers American women like Tomi Lahren are still whining and blaming men for their dating dilemma.
You see feminism foolishly told women that they were equal to men which they are not. Men and women are not equal and never will be. Young women were told to spend their 20s experiencing various sexual partners and to live their best live and settle down at 30 and pick a husband off the tree. Newsflash; women control access to sex and men to relationships and marriage. Now these women who are hitting the wall at 30 are now desperate for husband but spent no time preparing to be chosen as a wife, They have no wife skill only high body counts.
Women like Tomi thought that because she has a degree, title high paying job and status that men would jump all over her. Unfortunately those metrics are what women apply to men. Men are attracted to fit, friendly, cooperative and submissive women. Women like Tomi refer to themselves as Alpha females. Lord knows a man really wants a man with masculine energy and trais as much as women like nice guys who they friendzone and treat like feminine men.
It’s not that hard a concept to understand ladies: What do the men that you want, want from a woman? However feminists women lead with their demands and expect a man to fit the woman’s demands and it will never work. All women want the top 10 percent of men-the elite alpha class. These men can have any women the want and should because the earned it by building themselves to be the best. The cream of the crop: leaders, executives, presidents, top athletes,,,etc have options and and women like Tomi don’t. She’s dating out of her league. A beautiful woman at 21 has unlimited suitors and she also has many options but has to cash in before the beauty fades.
These women stay on the market too long and end up having to compete with younger versions of themselves. The Carrie Bradshaw livestyle catches up with them. Women think because they are older and more knowledgeable they are entitled to more. But what object increases with age and use? none. Sorry ladies you were lied to and you cannot have it all their were consequences for [your] decisions that men are not responsible for. You focused on your “career” (job) and unfortunately aged out of a competitive dating market. You believed the nonsense of the equal partnership/power couple silliness. You want a dominant Alpha man -but wont allow him to lead and then have to settle for a beta man who you secretly despise. You want a man to settle down but you won’t settle. Guess what all men settle for the women he chooses -you are not his first choice.
Just watch as the baglog of single women over 30 and childless get bigger and bigger as well as the rants from the feminist and Tomi types. Sorry ladies the jig is up and men cant be fooled any more. Good luck and live you best life.
“ The cream of the crop: leaders, executives, presidents, top athletes,,,etc”
A man’s status means nothing if he’s not also kind, loyal, cooperative, respectful, humble, supportive, affectionate, etc.
That’s a big part of what women like Tomi fail to qualify a man for in the beginning stages.
It’s so refreshing to read your comments. You know what is going on and you are not affraid to say it like it is.
Now these women who are hitting the wall at 30 are now desperate for husband but spent no time preparing to be chosen as a wife, They have no wife skill only high body counts.’ This is the essence. But of course women blame men for this, as if they are all god’s gift on earth. Newsflash ladies: the best women are also married or in relationships. You ain’t better than the single men out there.
Yeah but most women already have children before 30. If you’re trying to say that SOME women act like this then that’s true I guess. There’s shortsighted people in all groups. There’s also people in all groups that play the victim and blame all their problems on others. You seem to be focusing on very specific things and then generalizing that to the whole group when it doesn’t really make any sense. The truth is most women don’t really wait to “get serious” until 30. In fact they have long term relationships starting around 18 and by the time they’re 30 they already settled down and even have children on top of that.
OR they can be single if they want to be. They could absolutely be great wives, and will be when they want to be and when they find a man who is right for them.
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