Unfortunately, most of us have been faced with this at some point or another. You’re seeing this guy and it appears that things are going great. Then out of nowhere he drops off and tells you he’s not feeling it anymore, and that is if he has the spine to tell you at all. It seems like he lost interest overnight, and you have no idea why or what happened.
Now, there are many possible reasons why a guy might lose interest suddenly. Sometimes the connection just isn’t there and it has nothing to do with you – but then again, sometimes it does and you just didn’t recognize it.
The truth is, there is a lot of common behavior that annoys the absolute shit out of most guys. I want to keep it real here so that moving forward you can avoid humiliating yourself and turning decent men away.
Being overly invested.
When your interest turns into over-investment, it becomes a huge attraction killer. Right out of the gate, you’re always the one texting him first, making all the plans, and accommodating your life around his schedule. You’re so caught up trying to launch yourself full throttle into the relationship that it takes you a while to notice that he’s barely lifted a pinky in order to please you. And when you finally do start to realize it, you fool yourself into thinking that is must be because you’re not doing enough.
The next thing you know, you’re over here working your ass off for him and he’s not doing shit for you. And why should he? You’ve given him no reason or incentive to reciprocate. Instead, your overly-accommodating, heavily invested behavior signals to him that you are desperate, needy, and low value and that turns him off. Decent men know that quality women aren’t going to participate in one sided relationships and instead will allow for the natural balance between give and take to unfold. Of course, you can show effort, but then relax and allow him the chance to return the favor.
Having no life of your own.
Simply put, you’re uninteresting. Aside from him, you have no hobbies or interests you participate in of your own volition. You are stuck in a basic routine and you never allow yourself to operate outside of your little echo chamber and actually experience life. Because of this, most men will see you as one dimensional and lacking an authentic and unique identity.
For a man to stay interest-ed, you have to be interest-ing. He wants to know who you truly are and what makes you a remarkable woman. You need to be able to take him by surprise from time to time and stand out from the rest. Men love unorthodox women. Trust me on this – they do.
You can’t just lounge around, sitting pretty and expect a man to think you’re woman of the universe. You have to have some kind of passion in your life. Dare to be different. Have a voice that is yours. Become fearless in your convictions. It doesn’t even matter much what it is as long as it’s you being and authentic person. A man will respect the woman who has the audacity to be herself, unapologetically. Once you live authentically and pursue your own life’s mission, you become your own source of confidence and any man with good sense will find you irresistible.
You have high insecurity (or low self worth.)
Insecurity and low self worth will manifest itself in several different types of behavior within a relationship. This might look like having constant paranoia or worry about the state of the relationship, needing lots of reassurance and validation, over analyzing everything he says (or doesn’t say), frequent feelings of jealousy, acting out to get attention, etc.
As soon as a man can tell this type of subsequent behavior is going to be a pattern, he will definitely lose attraction. Good men hold desire for women of high self confidence and control, not the little girl who constantly seeks validation and approval. He desires the high quality woman who knows she’s high quality. If you know you’re awesome, he will know you’re awesome too.
You seem to have a hidden agenda.
If you aren’t honest and sincere about your goals in a relationship, it will eventually become obvious.
For example, if your main objective is to “be provided for” (in other words, use his money) without genuinely developing the many other aspects of a real connection, he’s going to pick up on it. It’s the same thing if your motive is to just have a kid – you don’t care to be a wife, you just want to have a baby. If has any sense at all, he will notice where your priorities are as well as your lack of interest in him and the quality of your relationship. Whatever your intentions or goals are, be transparent about it. It’s always better to meet someone you are truly compatible with and grow a relationship naturally because his future plans are properly aligned with yours from the beginning.
You’re making things too easy for him.
The surest way to lose a man’s interest is by giving him everything he wants. Yes, you read that correctly. You mustn’t give a man complete gratification – at least, not right away.
Why?
Because no man will appreciate a woman who serves herself up to him on a silver platter without effort or investment. Men have a biological need to pursue a woman of interest. Having to put in effort for you gives him a sense of purpose and fulfillment. If he gets everything he wants right up front, he won’t know how to properly appreciate you. It feels fake, undeserved, and disingenuous.
I used to make this mistake in my early 20s. I’d think, “I’ll change things up and pursue him. He’ll appreciate my effort and won’t be able to resist.” Unfortunately, this was rarely the case. I didn’t know what I was doing, so without realizing it I’d always end up being the only one putting in any effort or enthusiasm. I made too available too soon which was a turn off. When you give a man undeserved relationship satisfaction, you will witness the downfall of that relationship. Keep this in mind when you are with someone new.
Alright so ladies, are you guilty of any of these? Let me know your experiences down below in the comments. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
If you would like more help with these or another dating and relationship problem, I am now accepting new clients for 1:1 consulting. For more info, check out the consulting tab up in the main menu bar and from there, you can fill out the application to get started working with me privately.
Until next time,
Ash Pariseau
#4 is the one that breaks things for me right off the bat. The other four I might tolerate depending on how severe they are and if the girl looks like she might straighten out; but hidden agendas turn me into a ghost as soon I zero-in on them.
Yes definitely and it’s understandable why.
I’ve attached to 4 women in my adult life. I invested in two of them. I married one of them. I never lost interest in any of them. The relationships didn’t work for other reasons.
In the three of them, I felt those women could take me places that I’d never been and show me things I had never seen. In Neil Diamond’s “Shiloh,” he sings,
“Young girl with fire
Something said she understood
I wanted to fly
She made me feel like I could’
If they were willing to take me along, I was happy to go anywhere with them and let them lead. I learned so much from them. Some things were profound, some were pretty mundane, like how to make good coffee. In “Hard to Say,” Dan Fogelberg sings,
“It’s never easy and it’s never clear
Who’s to navigate and who’s to steer”
It was easy, they’d navigate and I’d steer. I’m good at following directions, especially when I like it.
It was different with my wife. I’m 9 years older than she is. One co-worker described my as a “cradle-robbing son-of-a bitch.” I drove that bus.
What made my wife different was her attitude was, “I don’t know where we’re going, but I want to find out together.”
30, sometimes rocky, years later, we’re still finding out.
As always, thank you for sharing your stories and thank you for being so honest. 30 years is a milestone so few seem to get to these days.
I can definitely attest to the first one. The high ego or low value men might like the attention at first, but when the novelty wears off they’ll only see you as desperate.
Spot on.