How To Know When A Woman Is Actually Independent

Katharine Hepburn

[I originally posted this for Thought Catalog, thought it would be a good fit.]

There have been quite a few articles published on Thought Catalog lately about the topic of independent women. These posts mostly talk about things like why men should date an independent woman, why women should refuse to apologize for becoming independent, etc. In most of these articles, the author will often refer to certain traits that an independent woman is likely to posses, such as confidence, the ability to do things for herself, not needing to rush into a relationship, etc. Those are all nice and true, but there are other traits that they seem to be forgetting to mention.
 

An independent woman pays for own her expenses without the regular help of family, friends, or significant others. Sure, she might accept the occasional gift or borrow money when things get tight, but generally she pays for her share of the rent, mortgage, utilities, car, phone, and other household and daily living expenses.

She doesn’t accuse men of being intimidated by her success. Some men may or may not have a problem with her being successful out of intimidation, but she won’t even pay much attention or really care for that matter, because she knows it’s not her problem.

She doesn’t mind paying for her own meal when out on a date, and is willing to occasionally pay for her date as well. If she makes enough money, she will take pride in paying for herself instead of assuming her guy will pay. She might even treat her guy to a meal on her dime just because she can and because she likes to surprise him to something nice once in a while.

An independent woman doesn’t care about how much money her future husband makes. As long as he’s doing what he wants to do and is making enough of his own money to pay for his portion of the expenses, she will be happy for him and happy with him by her side.

She knows that sometimes, people need to depend on others, because they are human too. Being independent doesn’t mean that you’ll never need anyone for anything. Anyone telling you that is delusional. Even mountain men are dependent on things and people from time to time.

She takes responsibility for her actions. Whenever an independent woman makes a mistake or bad decision, she will own up to it and use it as a learning experience. She’s not big on making up excuses to blame someone else or get caught up in being a victim.

She doesn’t feel the need to declare that she is an independent woman. Her actions will make it obvious to people that she’s doing well enough on her own. She won’t need to dedicate her time to convincing everyone.

She’ll be a catch, and won’t need to keep chasing men. This woman won’t ask where all the good guys are, because she knows where they are. She also won’t need to wonder why none of them are paying attention to her, because they will be.

Last, but not least, an independent woman knows that all of these things don’t make her special or deserving of any kind of an award, and all it means is that she’s a responsible, grown human being who values herself as well as the people around her. 

 

Challenge: Picking A Damn Restaurant

 

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I just read a post on another blog that talks about the way that women are terrible about choosing a restaurant when their husband or boyfriend asks. The conversation goes like this:

Husband: Ok, where do you want to go to eat?

Wife: I don’t know, I’ll eat whatever.

Husband: No, you pick.

Wife: Um…I don’t know. Ugh. You pick.

Husband: Okay, fine about how this place?

Wife: No! I don’t want to go to that place!

Most of you know all about this because you have had this obnoxious little argument. For many, you usually just randomly pick a place because you are too annoyed to do anymore discussing of something so trivial, while in the back of your mind you wonder why this silliness happens every time. Well, there are two secrets that I have figured out that I think women need to know.

Women are often more indecisive than men.

Men really want you to decide. 

Yes, studies show  that women have a tendency to be less decisive than men. There are a few speculations about why this is, but low confidence is a big one. When it comes to choosing a place eat, it could be that women have an idea or more about where they’d like to go, but they want to choose a place that both her and her husband will enjoy. She might also be hesitant because she’s trying to factor in budget or choosing a place that is relatively healthy, for a restaurant anyway. There are many possibilities but the point remains is that women collectively need to work on improving their decision making skills.

Next, men want you to decide where to eat. They truly do, especially if they are the ones who ask you where you want to go. In the above convo, sometimes it’s the guy who is the one going, “No, that place doesn’t sound good. Can you pick something else?” He’s practically begging you to take charge. A lot of men don’t like to admit this, but sometimes they really do like to take a backseat and let a woman take the lead in certain daily life situations. Take the opportunity. It might be annoying at first but just think of it this way, he’s helping you to become a better decision maker. If he’s asking you where you want to eat, don’t overthink it. Don’t hem and haw, and don’t you dare say, “I don’t know.” Just say what you want, and be confident about it. If he doesn’t like your idea, let him know that is your offer and that he’s welcome to come up with something else. Most of the time, he will just be happy that you were decisive and he will go along with your idea. The bottom line, if he didn’t want you to decide, he wouldn’t ask you. He would instead just suggest a place from the get-go.

In other words, go with your gut and just a pick a damn restaurant.

They Want You When They Can’t Have You

A young woman recently sent me this DM and and gave me permission to post and respond.

“I’m a 21 year old and consider myself to be attractive looking. It seems though that when I’m single and looking, it’s tough to keep a guy’s attention. I’ll start talking to someone and right when I think it’s going somewhere, it fizzles out. Then as soon as I get a boyfriend, I can’t keep other guys away. Last year I was seeking a potential boyfriend for months with no luck. Finally, I started seeing someone exclusively and then two of the other guys I tried to escalate a commitment with suddenly were interested. It also happened again when I started my internship and was genuinely too busy to date anyone. Is this bad luck or is it all in my head?”

 

It’s not all in your head. And it’s not bad luck either. Guys want what they can’t have. It was likely that when you were actively looking for a boyfriend, you may have come across as a little eager or maybe even desperate. They can sense that and getting you starts to feel too easy for them. It’s probably one of the oldest pieces of advice you can hear, but men really do like the thrill of the chase, as long as it’s just attainable enough for them in the end.

You might hear from time to time that guys like women to make themselves readily available, but the only guys who are saying this are the guys who don’t feel confident enough in themselves to be up for the challenge. Most guys love a little cat and mouse.

No matter what they say, what they usually do is go after the women who are mysterious and slightly out of reach. That’s why they flock to you when you have things going on in your life and act like you don’t give a shit about dating. That’s when they want you the most.

When you had a boyfriend, you were giving off that vibe, as you were when you were busy with your internship. They saw you as a woman who is happy fulfilling her life, doing her own thing, and that her life doesn’t revolve around men, and they find that attractive. Just remember that next time you are in this position.

 

Men Check Out Other Women. Get Over It.

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A couple go on vacation together. They are walking along the beach when a sexy young woman who could easily be Miss Hawaiian Tropic comes strutting by in her tiny, sparkly bikini. Man can’t help but notice this perfect human specimen, as does his significant other who witnesses her man’s head turn as Hawaiian Tropic passes by. Instantly, her blood boils as she prepares to scold him for his indecency. 

Many women have the tendency to become upset or even irate when they catch their significant other checking out other attractive women.   They will often react with jealousy and hostility, leaving the guy with not a clue on how to fix the situation or how to calm her down.

One of the facts of life that women need to understand is that men will always notice other beautiful women.

It’s just a thing they do. All of them, and there is scientific evidence that supports that they can’t really help it.  It should be common sense by now that men are visually stimulated. The types of women that will appeal to them will vary, but generally they will meet certain criteria: Facial symmetry, a certain waist to hip ratio, good skin and hair, slender, and fit. When men see an image that meets these standards, chemicals are released in the brain that compels their eyes to linger a little bit longer than they would for another man that passes by, for instance.

It doesn’t matter what his marital status is either. If he sees an attractive woman, he will immediately take note of her beauty. Just because a guy is married or in a relationship doesn’t mean that other women stop being hot. You know this too ladies when it comes to other men that you encounter. You see a guy while shopping and you think, “Damn, he’s hot!” You might even say that to your girl friends and you all then proceed to admire his appearance. You either let your eyes linger or you try to get a couple more quick peeks at him before he awkwardly catches you looking at him. When this happens, you know it’s not a threat to  your relationship with your boyfriend. You know you aren’t going to be unfaithful to him just because you saw a guy at the store that you find sexy in some way or another. You should know first hand that there’s no need to throw a big hissy-fit when you see your guy momentarily distracted by the cute waitress that is serving your table.

Another thing, is this: The fact that he  sometimes looks at other women does not mean that he doesn’t also think you are beautiful. It does not mean he plans to be unfaithful. It also does not mean that he doesn’t love you. It just means that he saw a woman that he found physically attractive. That’s it. He thinks you are gorgeous. He loves you, and he’s with you for a reason, and he wishes that you understood that.

Yes, there’s a line to be crossed.

For example, a glance at a good looking woman is natural and nearly unavoidable. However if he is visibly ogling her and boldly not trying to hide it, even with you standing right there with him while he’s doing it, that’s disrespectful to both you and her, because it has become deliberate and inconsiderate. This would be a good time to tactfully call him out, especially if you know he wouldn’t like the same behavior out of you. There’s a difference between noticing an attractive woman and when he is going out of his way to make it known to the world that he’d like to hit it.

Stay tuned for a second part on this topic. I want to go further into discussing reactions and attitude to catching your guy checking out other women, and what say and do when he’s crossed the line.

 

Do Women Need To Take The Red Pill?

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I started this blog over the summer because I had a realization. There are too many women that are miserable in their love lives. They are constantly complaining about assholes and losers. They are blubbering about being alone. They are wondering where all the good guys are. Why is this happening?

Women have been fooled. They have spent years being offered terrible advice from various sources, and they are mistakenly buying into all of it. Some of those sources of bad advice might have good intentions, but it’s guidance that is no longer working for women in today’s world.  Now they are here feeling lost, used, and taken for granted. The good news is that this can change. Women can wise up and alter their outcomes for the betterment of themselves and the ones they are involved with.

Several days ago, I was clicking around on twitter and found a link to this blog post by Kitten Holiday.  I noticed that Kitten has written a few posts on red pill dating advice for women that are cooperative with my own mental attitude about how women can tackle issues in their dating arena.

What Is The Red Pill?

Backing up for a second, the term “red pill” is one that is mostly used online within the blogosphere. Some of you may already know what it is, but for those of you who don’t, it’s a term used in some parts of popular culture that is based on the concept from The Matrix. To take the red pill means to become awakened to the sometimes painful truth of reality. It’s opposite is the blue pill which represents staying in a blissful ignorance about the world around them. Kitten further explains the difference in her post.

I do know that once you start to see things differently, everything changes.  A dramatic shift of perspective affects everything in your life and you start to see everything you once held true begin to fall apart from this new angle.  It’s like realizing that what you have seen of the world you have been living in is just a facade and behind that, not only are the rooms completely different but they are run by battling gangs of goblins and angels. –Kitten Holiday 

I found myself intrigued as I recognized  how much the red pill mindset ties into how women can embrace an enlightening of their own when in comes to their romantic relationships.

The red pill mentality is commonly known as being associated with a loosely tied  group of men in the blogging world as a way to navigate their personal and sexual relationships with women, however the concept has been taken in by individuals elsewhere online as well. As someone who has been familiar with red pill blogs since around 2012, I would say that before women start adopting the concept for their own, it’s important for them to read and try to understand the way men have come into their red pill reality as well. They can expect this to be a challenge at times because they will come across harsh attitudes and opinions they won’t agree with. There are some red pill ideas within the manosphere that I have come to accept and then some that I don’t agree with, and that’s okay.

Why Women Need The Red Pill

The fact still remains that women could greatly benefit from their own red pill mindset. In actuality, women have so much power and they don’t even realize it, let alone know how to use it.

There’s no reason why women can’t have exactly what they want while maintaining happy and thriving relationships. First though, they need to wake up to certain truths and realities. They need to know their value and learn how to define their boundaries. They need to understand their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions.  They need to reevaluate what they bring to the table,  what qualities they want to look for in a man, and what it takes to make a relationship work. They need to stop the victim-hood and take back control over their lives.

One thing I do know for certain is that women are putting up with way too much bullshit. They also aren’t aware of their mistakes or willing to accept ways in which they might be contributing to their own problems. All they know is that they feel used, manipulated, and sometimes even abused, and they are allowing it to happen.

That’s why women need to take the red pill and make it work for them in their relationships. Once that happens, they can turn the tables in their favor. They would have the know-how to attract the right men and keep the wrong men out of their lives. They would learn to think for themselves instead of just buying into whatever they are told. They would be able to do their part in solving problems with men effectively. They would be happier, more confident, and maintain lasting relationships with the people in their lives. I can tell you that I have made this understanding work for me and I genuinely want others to have the same wisdom. This is the red pill mentality for women. Are you in?

“When sleeping women wake, mountains move.” – Chinese Proverb

 

Mae West Quotes On Love And Lovers

mae7

So yeah I’ve posted about her before, and the name of this blog was inspired by a line of hers as well. Its no secret she’s my favorite old-Hollywood actress. Her audacity, her sexiness, and her talent for sassy double entendres pretty much makes her kick ass in my book.

“It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.”

“When I’m good I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.”

“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.”

“I’ve no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who’d do up the zipper on the back of your dress?”

“Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”

“Sex is emotion in motion.”

“Don’t cry for a man who’s left you–the next one may fall for your smile.”

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

“Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired.”

“Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from.”

“I only have ‘yes’ men around me. Who needs ‘no’ men?”

“A man in the house is worth two in the street.”

“Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct – it’s an art.”

“Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.”

“When women go wrong, men go right after them.”

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.”

7 Things Women Do That Make Them Seem Clingy

dyuz4u

One of the most destructive things a woman can do in a relationship is behaving in a way that is perceived as clingy. This just so happens to be one of the top complaints that men have about the women they are dating. Of course men can be guilty of being clingy too, and I will later discuss how women can deal with the those behaviors of men, but first I’d like to focus on what mistakes women might be making.

1. Excessive calling/texting. This is probably the thing women do most in our current era of technology. They are initiating all or most of the texts, numerous times throughout the day. They will send text after text without getting a reply and get upset when they don’t get a reply immediately. Men typically like texting and talking when they are things to actually talk about. They aren’t so much about aimless chit chat.

2. Over-sharing on social media. This is when you constantly upload selfies of the two of you and  post updates about all your activities together, telling the world how much you are in love. It’s completely understandable to post when there’s something significant going on, but people know that isn’t the case most of the time. The superfluous lovey-dovey stuff just makes you seem clingy and desperate for attention.

3. Not taking hints about when he needs space and time to himself. Sometimes a guy just needs time alone or to hang out with his friends, as surely any woman does as well. In any case, it will turn him off if you are constantly trying to make sure you are a part of his every spare minute.

4. Constantly seeking his approval/needing him to compliment you and express his feelings for you. When you are endlessly fishing for compliments or for him to reiterate his feelings for you, it makes you seem needy for validation. Yes he thinks you are gorgeous and of course he loves you, otherwise he wouldn’t be with you, so chill out and stop asking him so much.

5. Being too available. One thing that makes a man lose respect for a woman than when she is always at his beck and call. When you become too available, he will see that you don’t respect your own life and your own time well enough. Men love a woman who is mysterious and has her own life to lead.

6. Moving too fast. Nothing sends up red flags more than a woman who tries to rush the relationship milestones. Clingy women are constantly thinking about the next step, whether it be dating exclusively, moving in together, or getting married.  Most guys will want to go at a relatively steady pace and let things happen naturally. They can sense that you are forcing progress and focused on locking him down into marriage.

7. Agreeing with everything he says. Some women have the tendency to think that if she has all the same opinions as him, that he will like her more. This is definitely not the case. “Me too” girls are boring. He will  get the impression that you are desperate to get him to like you and it will turn in off. Men are attracted to women who can respectfully disagree with him and defend their own beliefs and values.

Being clingy is lethal in any relationship. Don’t make him the center of your universe. Balance your time between him, yourself, and your other interests and responsibilities. When you adopt a healthy mindset, all else should fall into place naturally and none of these things should be an issue.

 

Reader Mailbag: Unreliable Boyfriend

I am a member on a forum that frequently discusses relationships, and one day last week I got a private message from another member. This woman gave me permission to post her question here as long as I didn’t use her identity.

I’ve been seeing this guy for four months. I would say things are going well except for one thing, he’s unreliable. He’s cancelled plans with me on numerous occasions and he forgets to call or text when he says he’s going to.  At first I excused it as everyone makes mistakes, but I have noticed it become a bad habit. I have kind of joked about it with him, but he kinda just laughs it off and then does it again. I don’t want to seem like I’m nagging if I bring it up again, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

His behavior is definitely not good. Is he unreliable to other people too, or just you? I wonder if he’s unreliable or if he just sees you as a low priority. Either way, it’s something you can’t just let go. Unreliable and undependable partners will make it impossible for you to maintain a healthy relationship. If you are having these frustrations after only a few months, imagine what they would become after a few years. You end up losing all trust and respect for that person.

Don’t worry too much about coming off as a nagging girlfriend or a bitch. Next time he does this, bring it up right then. You don’t have to be mean about it, just come from the heart and present it from your perspective. Something like, “I love our time together, and I’d really love it if we could schedule plans we could follow through with.” That’s about as nice as it gets. If he doesn’t seem to get it then something a little more firm would be, “I don’t appreciate be kept waiting by the phone.” Be calm and concise.  If he gets defensive, then I’d say he’s not worth the trouble. There’s no excuse for him to defend his pattern of being disrespectful to you that way.  If he apologizes, that’s good but don’t immediately take his word for it. Watch his future actions instead. He can say whatever he wants, but remember that correcting the problem is the goal. If it keeps up, it’s probably a lost cause. At that point, I’d say it’s useless to tell him anything else. Show him that you won’t be treated that way by moving on.

Do What Makes You Happy

This holiday season is a bit difficult for me. My mom, who I was very close to, passed away last year – it will be one year as of Dec 28th, so you can imagine I have been thinking about her a lot lately. All things considered,  I’m still making the most of the season and finding reasons to be happy, but I’m also still grieving a bit.

I keep thinking about all her advice to me over the years. Why are moms always right? I remember growing up with all my little teenage problems, and I thought she was crazy with all her words of wisdom she tried to throw my way.  Turns out, she knew what she was talking about. One of the last pieces of valuable advice she gave me was only a few months before she died. She was pretty ill and she knew she didn’t have much time left, so she would initiate these little talks here and there when she felt it was appropriate. I had made the trip to visit her for a few days. She was sitting in her usual recliner and I was in another chair in the living room. We were talking about my future and I expressed a few uncertainties about my path in life. She said, “Do whatever makes you happy.” Now a lot of people might might roll their eyes as they make excuses for that being easier said than done, and they wouldn’t be entirely wrong, but I think we do that because we have already chosen to not listen to what they are saying like we should be.

If you think doing whatever makes you happy sounds selfish, maybe it is to a degree, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Interestingly, it was then that I realized that a big part of doing what makes me happy aren’t selfish things, but selfless things. It has helped me come to a heightened sense of awareness when it comes to my relationships with those I care about. I think about how I can help and love them in ways I never thought about before. The people I love are most important to me, and so is showing them that I care.

When my mom said this to me, I felt a freedom to choose. It’s not the same as when someone wags their finger in your face and demands that you not be selfish but instead give, give, give. No, instead I felt her unconditional love, and that made me want to do nothing more but to give it back. When someone you look up to gives you their blessing to choose your own path in life, you might even surprise yourself with what you feel compelled to do.

Don’t Just Hear. Listen.

When we enter new relationships with someone we are really into, we have a tendency to get a high that scientists have often compared to the emotional equivalent of being on cocaine. That dopamine  has kicked into high gear and as we try to bond with our new romantic interest, we develop selective hearing.

You may have noticed, people are often surprisingly honest in the early stages of dating about what they think their problem will be in a relationship. If you have just met someone or you have been seeing someone for a shorter amount of time, be aware of statements like:

“I don’t really want anything too serious.”

“I don’t see myself getting married/having kids.”

“I’m not good enough for you.”

“I just need to get my shit together.”

We hear things like this, but because our love stricken minds have taken over our rational thinking, we don’t take what they are saying very seriously. We assume they are just being silly when they dismiss their own potential. However, it is important that we really listen because they are probably telling you the damn truth, and yes, this has been my observation from guys in my past as well. The guy who doesn’t want anything serious will likely be a commitment-phobe with a wandering eye. The guy who is terrified of marriage and kids might feel this way for a number of reasons, or maybe he just enjoys things the way things are (nothing wrong with that), but don’t expect to change his mind. The guy who needs to get is shit together will be a train wreck the whole time you are together and he’ll drag you through the mud if you let him.  And when a guy tells you he’s not good enough for you, just trust him on this one and don’t question it.

If you have any decent experience with this, you can probably think back and realize that the concepts in these statements at least played a part in the demise of the relationship, if not the main reason why you are no longer with that person.

Just listen to what they are saying early on, and then more importantly, watch their behavior afterwards because as you know, actions peak louder than words. Does what they do go along with the negative things they say about themselves? If so, it’s important you take note of that and be aware of the reality of what you might be getting into. You don’t want to hear, “I told you so” in the end.