This Is What The Hell Happened To Going Out On Dates

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 8:52 pm

photo-1444839368740-f0d3572f8067“Situationships are easier to come by, while relationships are way harder. What the hell has happened?”

A while back, contributor Caylie Jane raised the question on Thought Catalog, “What The Hell Happened To Going Out On Dates?” She states, “I’m racking my brain as to why the hell the world of dating has suddenly turned into a world of, “Let’s snuggle at my place and watch a movie.” Translation: “I’ll let you choose the background noise while I try and get into your pants.”

Caylie makes a rational point. By and large, the 50s dating style has been replaced with “Netflix and chill.” The idea of romance now seems like something that only exists in movies. Chivalry isn’t practiced as much as it once was. We are texting more now rather than talking on the phone. We exchange sexy selfies instead of mix-tapes. This understandably leaves some women like Caylie frustrated, wishing things could go back to how it used to be. However, there is one simple truth that is staring these ladies right in the face.

Dating has changed this way because we have allowed it to.

This isn’t something we can just blame on modern male behavior. When it comes to dating and relationships, women are mostly in control of the situations and the direction that things are headed. This is because it’s generally natural for men to chase and women to choose. Even though many things have changed, one thing that hasn’t is that men are still doing more pursuing and asking out on dates than women are. In fact, it appears as though this is their preference, according to a study in “Psychology Today” by associate psychology professor, Michael Mills, Ph.D. This puts women at an advantage because when they are in the choosing position, they get to set the parameters for what constitutes as a suitable date, and usually interested men will be agreeable to this. Somewhere along the way, this message has become lost to women, but the fact still remains true. The reason why dating has gotten so relaxed and lazy is because women have not been setting and enforcing their standards like they did in the past.

If you don’t want to go to his place to “hang out,” then you’ll have to speak up. Remember, you set the parameters, but be reasonable.

It’s never too early to start drawing boundaries, and doing so is a key factor in earning the respect of anyone you invite into your life. If he refuses the idea of going on a real date, you can rest assured he wasn’t for you.

Another thing to consider is that some guys have become a bit displeased with a double standard. Today, women like to talk about gaining equality between the sexes, so it’s justifiable that sometimes men are left wondering why they keep having to pay for all these dates and women never do. They become suspicious that women are wanting all of the benefits but none of the responsibilities of this so-called equality. We can assume this is a probable reason why men would rather stay in than go out. In this case, you might want to think about where you stand.

Do you value equality or tradition? See if you can strike a fair balance.

Remember that in general, men still prefer to do the initial asking out, so they might not mind paying at first. Though, on future dates, many of them would probably appreciate a little more effort and initiative from you when it comes to footing the bill.

All things considered, it’s easy to see why women like Caylie seem to think relationships in our current climate are harder to come by, but we have to keep in mind that we can obtain better quality dating experiences by reclaiming our natural feminine influence. The power is still in your hands ladies, all you have to do is take it.

Your Trust Issues Are Your Own Problem

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 9:24 pm

trust-illustration-620x370-e1455715618290I read a lot of advice inquiries on forums, in private messages, and in emails from people who are dealing with boyfriends or girlfriends with trust issues, or they have trust issues themselves. One that is consistently common goes something like this:

“I love my boyfriend and our relationship is good, except for the fact that I have problems with trust because my ex cheated on me. Now I don’t want my current boyfriend going out to his best friend’s bachelor party.”

The circumstances may vary, but the concept is the same: She loves him, but because her ex cheated on her, she fears this guy will too. As a result, she easily becomes jealous, possessive, and controlling and uses the pain from her past as an excuse for this behavior.

I see this constantly and it’s disappointing every time. It was especially painful to witness with an old acquaintance of mine. She was cheated on by a guy she was with before I really knew her. She broke up with that guy of course, and stayed single for several months. During her time of being single, her and I met and I listened to a few good rants about this guy.

It wasn’t too much longer before she started seeing someone new. Clearly, she was still hurting and not over the last guy, because everything this new guy did was rationalized into how he was probably lying and cheating. She drove herself crazy trying to interpret his every word, over-analyzing his every move and it didn’t take long before she was flat out accusing him of screwing around.

That relationship didn’t last of course, as he grew tired of her accusations and drama. He was loyal to her, but it took her a long time to see that. She later regretted treating him so horribly.

If you are in a relationship and you still have trust issues from a previous relationship, then why would you enter into a new relationship? You don’t need to be giving anyone else problems with your baggage.

It’s a different story if you are trying to regain trust in someone from being cheated on by that person. In that case, they would owe you some cooperation for a limited period of time so trust can be redeemed.

However, if you are with someone and you don’t trust them for something someone else did to you, then that is your responsibility to work it out by yourself, no excuses. You do not get to punish anyone for the mistakes of another.

Your trust issues are your own problem to sort out, so leave your innocent partner out of it.

You might want to think about letting your partner know you need space and time to deal with these issues, just so they are unaffected during this time. This will also be better for you in the long run. Don’t be like the girl I used to know. It’s time we all start taking responsibility for our problems.

If you are someone whose partner doesn’t trust you because of something that happened with someone else, you don’t have to take that. Stand up for yourself. Let them know you won’t be punished when you haven’t done anything wrong. If they aren’t going to do anything about it, then you can by removing yourself from the situation. If you are loyal, it’s not your responsibility to fix their trust issues, but it is your responsibility to refuse to take any of their shit.

Michelle Obama & Oprah Winfrey: United State Of Women

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 11:41 pm

First Lady Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey sat down together in a conference last Tuesday at the United State of Women summit in Washington D.C.

Topics of discussion included self image, challenges women face in work and personal life, Mrs. Obama’s role as first lady, advice to women moving forward, as well as advice to men.

 

After watching that, I wanted to take some time to just briefly share my thoughts on it because there is a lot going on in the video that deals with what got me writing about the things I do. I don’t want to go into too much detail here in the post because I’d rather open this up for discussion in the comments.

First of all, we have two very powerful and accomplished women in this video who stand for a cause and continuously work to achieve their goals. That in itself is very inspiring and admirable. You can tell they have this passion, this fire for what they believe in and they have both made tremendous impact in our current culture.

I really like the fact that they discuss self worth and how important it is to have a strong sense of self. We hear things like this when we are young and we don’t always know what it means, and for me, I reached a point in my life where I realized that knowing who I am, having self respect and standing my ground are some of the most important values that will take me through life’s challenges. In my view, you absolutely must give yourself some time to get your mental and emotional shit together so you can take on the world. If you don’t, and you don’t know who you are, what you stand for, and are just concerned about pleasing others so they will like you, you won’t be happy with where this leads you.

You can tell that Michelle is very strong and self actualized. She knows her worth and she won’t take crap from anyone, but she carries this attitude with authenticity and grace. This is what I love to see in women especially, since we live in a world where women feel as though they have to choose between being pleasant and being assertive.

I like how they are honest about the challenges women face in balancing their time between career and motherhood and the concept of having it all. They don’t just say you can have it all, you can do it all. Having it all means different things to different people. You can have what you want, but you must first have priorities and know the value of your time and of your work. The ladies seem to understand this well.

Another thing I enjoyed about the conversation were about how they have used their platform as a means for public service rather than just to pedestalize themselves for being famous. Also how they mentioned how you should surround yourself with uplifting individuals and stay away from the haters, although I never really like the term “haters.” I prefer to use the word “critics,” as it sounds more sophisticated. Then again at their level of fame, they probably do have a lot more people who just hate for the sake of hating.

Be better?

Now later on in the video, we get to a point where Oprah asks Michelle what advice she has for men, in which Michelle simply answers, “Be better. Be better at everything.” She then goes to list the things that men could be better at. Maybe it wasn’t exactly what she said that doesn’t sit well with me, but it was more about how she said it with emphasis and undertones of contempt. Her and Oprah have a laugh about it, and Michelle says she could go on about the topic, but she won’t.

I’d love to pick her brain about this because it’s obvious she has specific reasons for saying that men should be better. I just wonder why she doesn’t credit them for their success and work or give the same advice to women with the same amount of conviction. Yes, men can be better. Women can be better. We can all be better. But let’s not forget how much we have all done to improve up to this point. It would have been better of her to say, “Be your best selves.”

So those are just a few of my initial reactions to their conversation. Feel free to watch the video and let me know what you think.

How To Know When A Woman Is Actually Independent

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 5:20 pm

Katharine Hepburn

[I originally posted this for Thought Catalog, thought it would be a good fit.]

There have been quite a few articles published on Thought Catalog lately about the topic of independent women. These posts mostly talk about things like why men should date an independent woman, why women should refuse to apologize for becoming independent, etc. In most of these articles, the author will often refer to certain traits that an independent woman is likely to posses, such as confidence, the ability to do things for herself, not needing to rush into a relationship, etc. Those are all nice and true, but there are other traits that they seem to be forgetting to mention.
 

An independent woman pays for own her expenses without the regular help of family, friends, or significant others. Sure, she might accept the occasional gift or borrow money when things get tight, but generally she pays for her share of the rent, mortgage, utilities, car, phone, and other household and daily living expenses.

She doesn’t accuse men of being intimidated by her success. Some men may or may not have a problem with her being successful out of intimidation, but she won’t even pay much attention or really care for that matter, because she knows it’s not her problem.

She doesn’t mind paying for her own meal when out on a date, and is willing to occasionally pay for her date as well. If she makes enough money, she will take pride in paying for herself instead of assuming her guy will pay. She might even treat her guy to a meal on her dime just because she can and because she likes to surprise him to something nice once in a while.

An independent woman doesn’t care about how much money her future husband makes. As long as he’s doing what he wants to do and is making enough of his own money to pay for his portion of the expenses, she will be happy for him and happy with him by her side.

She knows that sometimes, people need to depend on others, because they are human too. Being independent doesn’t mean that you’ll never need anyone for anything. Anyone telling you that is delusional. Even mountain men are dependent on things and people from time to time.

She takes responsibility for her actions. Whenever an independent woman makes a mistake or bad decision, she will own up to it and use it as a learning experience. She’s not big on making up excuses to blame someone else or get caught up in being a victim.

She doesn’t feel the need to declare that she is an independent woman. Her actions will make it obvious to people that she’s doing well enough on her own. She won’t need to dedicate her time to convincing everyone.

She’ll be a catch, and won’t need to keep chasing men. This woman won’t ask where all the good guys are, because she knows where they are. She also won’t need to wonder why none of them are paying attention to her, because they will be.

Last, but not least, an independent woman knows that all of these things don’t make her special or deserving of any kind of an award, and all it means is that she’s a responsible, grown human being who values herself as well as the people around her. 

 

Challenge: Picking A Damn Restaurant

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 8:40 pm

 

want

I just read a post on another blog that talks about the way that women are terrible about choosing a restaurant when their husband or boyfriend asks. The conversation goes like this:

Husband: Ok, where do you want to go to eat?

Wife: I don’t know, I’ll eat whatever.

Husband: No, you pick.

Wife: Um…I don’t know. Ugh. You pick.

Husband: Okay, fine about how this place?

Wife: No! I don’t want to go to that place!

Most of you know all about this because you have had this obnoxious little argument. For many, you usually just randomly pick a place because you are too annoyed to do anymore discussing of something so trivial, while in the back of your mind you wonder why this silliness happens every time. Well, there are two secrets that I have figured out that I think women need to know.

Women are often more indecisive than men.

Men really want you to decide. 

Yes, studies show  that women have a tendency to be less decisive than men. There are a few speculations about why this is, but low confidence is a big one. When it comes to choosing a place to eat, it could be that women have an idea or more about where they’d like to go, but they want to choose a place that both her and her husband will enjoy. She might also be hesitant because she’s trying to factor in budget or choosing a place that is relatively healthy, for a restaurant anyway. There are many possibilities but the point remains is that women collectively need to work on improving their decision making skills.

Next, men want you to decide where to eat. They truly do, especially if they are the ones who ask you where you want to go. In the above convo, sometimes it’s the guy who is the one going, “No, that place doesn’t sound good. Can you pick something else?” He’s practically begging you to take charge. A lot of men don’t like to admit this, but sometimes they really do like to take a backseat and let a woman take the lead in certain daily life situations. Take the opportunity. It might be annoying at first but just think of it this way, he’s helping you to become a better decision maker. If he’s asking you where you want to eat, don’t overthink it. Don’t hem and haw, and don’t you dare say, “I don’t know.” Just say what you want, and be confident about it. If he doesn’t like your idea, let him know that is your offer and that he’s welcome to come up with something else. Most of the time, he will just be happy that you were decisive and he will go along with your idea. The bottom line, if he didn’t want you to decide, he wouldn’t ask you. He would instead just suggest a place from the get-go.

In other words, go with your gut and just a pick a damn restaurant.

They Want You When They Can’t Have You

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 6:45 pm

A young woman recently sent me this DM and and gave me permission to post and respond.

“I’m a 21 year old and consider myself to be attractive looking. It seems though that when I’m single and looking, it’s tough to keep a guy’s attention. I’ll start talking to someone and right when I think it’s going somewhere, it fizzles out. Then as soon as I get a boyfriend, I can’t keep other guys away. Last year I was seeking a potential boyfriend for months with no luck. Finally, I started seeing someone exclusively and then two of the other guys I tried to escalate a commitment with suddenly were interested. It also happened again when I started my internship and was genuinely too busy to date anyone. Is this bad luck or is it all in my head?”

 

It’s not all in your head. And it’s not bad luck either. Guys want what they can’t have. It was likely that when you were actively looking for a boyfriend, you may have come across as a little eager or maybe even desperate. They can sense that and getting you starts to feel too easy for them. It’s probably one of the oldest pieces of advice you can hear, but men really do like the thrill of the chase, as long as it’s just attainable enough for them in the end.

You might hear from time to time that guys like women to make themselves readily available, but the only guys who are saying this are the guys who don’t feel confident enough in themselves to be up for the challenge. Most guys love a little cat and mouse.

No matter what they say, what they usually do is go after the women who are mysterious and slightly out of reach. That’s why they flock to you when you have things going on in your life and act like you don’t give a shit about dating. That’s when they want you the most.

When you had a boyfriend, you were giving off that vibe, as you were when you were busy with your internship. They saw you as a woman who is happy fulfilling her life, doing her own thing, and that her life doesn’t revolve around men, and they find that attractive. Just remember that next time you are in this position.

 

Men Check Out Other Women. Get Over It.

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 9:26 pm

obama-Staring

A couple go on vacation together. They are walking along the beach when a sexy young woman who could easily be Miss Hawaiian Tropic comes strutting by in her tiny, sparkly bikini. Man can’t help but notice this perfect human specimen, as does his significant other who witnesses her man’s head turn as Hawaiian Tropic passes by. Instantly, her blood boils as she prepares to scold him for his indecency. 

Many women have the tendency to become upset or even irate when they catch their significant other checking out other attractive women.   They will often react with jealousy and hostility, leaving the guy with not a clue on how to fix the situation or how to calm her down.

One of the facts of life that women need to understand is that men will always notice other beautiful women.

It’s just a thing they do. All of them, and there is scientific evidence that supports that they can’t really help it.  It should be common sense by now that men are visually stimulated. The types of women that will appeal to them will vary, but generally they will meet certain criteria: Facial symmetry, a certain waist to hip ratio, good skin and hair, slender, and fit. When men see an image that meets these standards, chemicals are released in the brain that compels their eyes to linger a little bit longer than they would for another man that passes by, for instance.

It doesn’t matter what his marital status is either. If he sees an attractive woman, he will immediately take note of her beauty. Just because a guy is married or in a relationship doesn’t mean that other women stop being hot. You know this too ladies when it comes to other men that you encounter. You see a guy while shopping and you think, “Damn, he’s hot!” You might even say that to your girl friends and you all then proceed to admire his appearance. You either let your eyes linger or you try to get a couple more quick peeks at him before he awkwardly catches you looking at him. When this happens, you know it’s not a threat to  your relationship with your boyfriend. You know you aren’t going to be unfaithful to him just because you saw a guy at the store that you find sexy in some way or another. You should know first hand that there’s no need to throw a big hissy-fit when you see your guy momentarily distracted by the cute waitress that is serving your table.

Another thing, is this: The fact that he  sometimes looks at other women does not mean that he doesn’t also think you are beautiful. It does not mean he plans to be unfaithful. It also does not mean that he doesn’t love you. It just means that he saw a woman that he found physically attractive. That’s it. He thinks you are gorgeous. He loves you, and he’s with you for a reason, and he wishes that you understood that.

Yes, there’s a line to be crossed.

For example, a glance at a good looking woman is natural and nearly unavoidable. However if he is visibly ogling her and boldly not trying to hide it, even with you standing right there with him while he’s doing it, that’s disrespectful to both you and her, because it has become deliberate and inconsiderate. This would be a good time to tactfully call him out, especially if you know he wouldn’t like the same behavior out of you. There’s a difference between noticing an attractive woman and when he is going out of his way to make it known to the world that he’d like to hit it.

Stay tuned for a second part on this topic. I want to go further into discussing reactions and attitude to catching your guy checking out other women, and what say and do when he’s crossed the line.

 

Do Women Need To Take The Red Pill?

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 7:28 pm

rp6

I started this blog over the summer because I had a realization. There are too many women that are miserable in their love lives. They are constantly complaining about assholes and losers. They are blubbering about being alone. They are wondering where all the good guys are. Why is this happening?

Women have been fooled. They have spent years being offered terrible advice from various sources, and they are mistakenly buying into all of it. Some of those sources of bad advice might have good intentions, but it’s guidance that is no longer working for women in today’s world.  Now they are here feeling lost, used, and taken for granted. The good news is that this can change. Women can wise up and alter their outcomes for the betterment of themselves and the ones they are involved with.

Several days ago, I was clicking around on twitter and found a link to this blog post by Kitten Holiday.  I noticed that Kitten has written a few posts on red pill dating advice for women that are cooperative with my own mental attitude about how women can tackle issues in their dating arena.

What Is The Red Pill?

Backing up for a second, the term “red pill” is one that is mostly used online within the blogosphere. Some of you may already know what it is, but for those of you who don’t, it’s a term used in some parts of popular culture that is based on the concept from The Matrix. To take the red pill means to become awakened to the sometimes painful truth of reality. It’s opposite is the blue pill which represents staying in a blissful ignorance about the world around them. Kitten further explains the difference in her post.

I do know that once you start to see things differently, everything changes.  A dramatic shift of perspective affects everything in your life and you start to see everything you once held true begin to fall apart from this new angle.  It’s like realizing that what you have seen of the world you have been living in is just a facade and behind that, not only are the rooms completely different but they are run by battling gangs of goblins and angels. –Kitten Holiday 

I found myself intrigued as I recognized  how much the red pill mindset ties into how women can embrace an enlightening of their own when in comes to their romantic relationships.

The red pill mentality is commonly known as being associated with a loosely tied  group of men in the blogging world as a way to navigate their personal and sexual relationships with women, however the concept has been taken in by individuals elsewhere online as well. As someone who has been familiar with red pill blogs since around 2012, I would say that before women start adopting the concept for their own, it’s important for them to read and try to understand the way men have come into their red pill reality as well. They can expect this to be a challenge at times because they will come across harsh attitudes and opinions they won’t agree with. There are some red pill ideas within the manosphere that I have come to accept and then some that I don’t agree with, and that’s okay.

Why Women Need The Red Pill

The fact still remains that women could greatly benefit from their own red pill mindset. In actuality, women have so much power and they don’t even realize it, let alone know how to use it.

There’s no reason why women can’t have exactly what they want while maintaining happy and thriving relationships. First though, they need to wake up to certain truths and realities. They need to know their value and learn how to define their boundaries. They need to understand their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions.  They need to reevaluate what they bring to the table,  what qualities they want to look for in a man, and what it takes to make a relationship work. They need to stop the victim-hood and take back control over their lives.

One thing I do know for certain is that women are putting up with way too much bullshit. They also aren’t aware of their mistakes or willing to accept ways in which they might be contributing to their own problems. All they know is that they feel used, manipulated, and sometimes even abused, and they are allowing it to happen.

That’s why women need to take the red pill and make it work for them in their relationships. Once that happens, they can turn the tables in their favor. They would have the know-how to attract the right men and keep the wrong men out of their lives. They would learn to think for themselves instead of just buying into whatever they are told. They would be able to do their part in solving problems with men effectively. They would be happier, more confident, and maintain lasting relationships with the people in their lives. I can tell you that I have made this understanding work for me and I genuinely want others to have the same wisdom. This is the red pill mentality for women. Are you in?

“When sleeping women wake, mountains move.” – Chinese Proverb

 

Mae West Quotes On Love And Lovers

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 8:56 pm

mae7

So yeah I’ve posted about her before, and the name of this blog was inspired by a line of hers as well. Its no secret she’s my favorite old-Hollywood actress. Her audacity, her sexiness, and her talent for sassy double entendres pretty much makes her kick ass in my book.

“It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.”

“When I’m good I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.”

“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.”

“I’ve no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who’d do up the zipper on the back of your dress?”

“Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”

“Sex is emotion in motion.”

“Don’t cry for a man who’s left you–the next one may fall for your smile.”

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

“Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I’m tired.”

“Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from.”

“I only have ‘yes’ men around me. Who needs ‘no’ men?”

“A man in the house is worth two in the street.”

“Love isn’t an emotion or an instinct – it’s an art.”

“Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.”

“When women go wrong, men go right after them.”

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.”

7 Things Women Do That Make Them Seem Clingy

Posted by Ash Pariseau at 12:37 pm

dyuz4u

One of the most destructive things a woman can do in a relationship is behaving in a way that is perceived as clingy. This just so happens to be one of the top complaints that men have about the women they are dating. Of course men can be guilty of being clingy too, and I will later discuss how women can deal with the those behaviors of men, but first I’d like to focus on what mistakes women might be making.

1. Excessive calling/texting. This is probably the thing women do most in our current era of technology. They are initiating all or most of the texts, numerous times throughout the day. They will send text after text without getting a reply and get upset when they don’t get a reply immediately. Men typically like texting and talking when they are things to actually talk about. They aren’t so much about aimless chit chat.

2. Over-sharing on social media. This is when you constantly upload selfies of the two of you and  post updates about all your activities together, telling the world how much you are in love. It’s completely understandable to post when there’s something significant going on, but people know that isn’t the case most of the time. The superfluous lovey-dovey stuff just makes you seem clingy and desperate for attention.

3. Not taking hints about when he needs space and time to himself. Sometimes a guy just needs time alone or to hang out with his friends, as surely any woman does as well. In any case, it will turn him off if you are constantly trying to make sure you are a part of his every spare minute.

4. Constantly seeking his approval/needing him to compliment you and express his feelings for you. When you are endlessly fishing for compliments or for him to reiterate his feelings for you, it makes you seem needy for validation. Yes he thinks you are gorgeous and of course he loves you, otherwise he wouldn’t be with you, so chill out and stop asking him so much.

5. Being too available. One thing that makes a man lose respect for a woman than when she is always at his beck and call. When you become too available, he will see that you don’t respect your own life and your own time well enough. Men love a woman who is mysterious and has her own life to lead.

6. Moving too fast. Nothing sends up red flags more than a woman who tries to rush the relationship milestones. Clingy women are constantly thinking about the next step, whether it be dating exclusively, moving in together, or getting married.  Most guys will want to go at a relatively steady pace and let things happen naturally. They can sense that you are forcing progress and focused on locking him down into marriage.

7. Agreeing with everything he says. Some women have the tendency to think that if she has all the same opinions as him, that he will like her more. This is definitely not the case. “Me too” girls are boring. He will  get the impression that you are desperate to get him to like you and it will turn in off. Men are attracted to women who can respectfully disagree with him and defend their own beliefs and values.

Being clingy is lethal in any relationship. Don’t make him the center of your universe. Balance your time between him, yourself, and your other interests and responsibilities. When you adopt a healthy mindset, all else should fall into place naturally and none of these things should be an issue.