In my line of work, I’ve come across all sorts of relationship dynamics, but few quite as perplexing as the “Pick-me” girl. It’s a term that’s been making rounds on social media, particularly among the younger generation. But trust me when I say, it’s not just a Gen Z thing. This concept has been around for a while, lurking in the shadows, and it’s about time we shine a light on it.
So, what is a “pick-me” girl? Well, imagine a woman who goes out of her way to stand out from the crowd, not by showcasing her unique qualities or talents, but by desperately seeking validation and approval, particularly from men. She’s the one whose message constantly says, “I’m not like other girls,” as if being a woman is something to be ashamed of. She’s the one who puts down other women to make herself seem more appealing. She’s the one who panders to toxic male personalities, thinking it will win her the prize – a “high value” man. But here’s the kicker – it doesn’t.
Understanding Pick-Me Behavior
What fuels the pick-me mentality? It’s a cocktail of low self-esteem, a desperate need for validation, and a misguided belief that being the “cool girl” who’s down for anything will win the hearts of high value men. Researchers have found that those with lower self-esteem were more likely to engage in self-deprecating behavior and seek approval from others, which could perpetuate the pick-me attitude.
We live in a world where our lives are constantly on display, where likes, shares, and comments have become a measure of our worth. And let’s not forget the movies and TV shows that glorify the cool girl who’s one of the guys, who doesn’t get along with other women, and who’s always ready to please her man. It’s no wonder that many young women fall into the pick-me trap. But let me tell you from experience, any man worth his salt will value you for your authentic being, not for some caricature you’ve created to please him.
I remember in the early days of dating when I thought I had to show up as a potential perfect wifey. I tried my hand at being the doting girlfriend, agreeing with his every opinion, and suppress my own needs and desires to keep him happy. I once backed out of participating in a Miss Indiana pageant because my ex didn’t like the idea of me being on stage in a bikini. And I pretended to “get it” when he tried to explain that he was just being a protective “alpha male.” But over time, I realized that going along to get along wasn’t me. I wasn’t being true to myself, and it was taking a toll on my happiness and our relationship. It was only when I started being my authentic self that I attracted better quality men. And guess what? The man I’m with now doesn’t want a perfect doting wifey. He wanted me – with all my quirks, opinions, and passions.
The Illusion of Approval
The pick-me mentality believes that their pandering, self-depreciating behavior will attract a good, high value man, a man who will adore them for being silent and submissive – love them for standing behind him while he reaps most of the benefits in the relationship – cherish them understanding how “men need to be men” and “women need to be women.” However, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Quality men – the kind of men who are emotionally mature, respectful, and genuinely interested in you as a person – they’re not looking for a woman who panders to their every whim. They’re not interested in a woman who belittles her own gender to seem more appealing. No, they’re looking for a woman who is confident, who respects herself and others, who is authentic and true to herself.
On the flip side, pick-me behavior often attracts the wrong kind of attention. It draws in toxic, selfish characters – the kind of men who take advantage of a woman’s desperation for approval, who enjoy the power dynamics of having a woman constantly seek their validation.
I’ve had women come to me who embody this way of thinking in their relationships. Of course, they wouldn’t consider themselves to me pick-mes by definition, but they were always trying to please their boyfriend, always agreeing with him, always putting his needs before her own. They thought this would make a guy appreciate her more. But instead, it had the opposite effect. These guys took them for granted, disrespected them, and never truly valued these women for who are are. It’s a hard lesson, but it’s a wake-up call. Thankfully, a few of them realized that they deserved better, that they didn’t need to diminish themselves to be loved.
Case Study: Pearl Davis (JustPearlyThings)
Let’s take Pearl Davis for example, better known as JustPearlyThings on social media. Pearl has made quite a name for herself online, but not necessarily for the right reasons. Broadcaster Piers Morgan and the NY Post recently referred to her as “female Andrew Tate,” as she has come forward to say she believes women shouldn’t vote, that they should remain virgins until marriage and submissive to their husbands, and that there’s never an excuse for divorce.
Pearl’s online persona is a textbook example of a pick-me. She’s constantly pandering to the anti-feminists and “dominant male” narrative that often work against the benefit of women, and putting down her fellow modern women in a bid to stand out. On YouTube, you can often find her championing and encouraging male-centric ideologies often touted from the red pill, manosphere, and MGTOW communities that limit choices and opportunities for women while encouraging various forms of self-indulgent debauchery for men.
But here’s what’s interesting – despite all her efforts, despite all her pandering, Pearl is still perpetually single, and has been for a long time. Not only that, in spite of all of the relationship and marriage advice she gives to women online, she’s never been married or in a long term relationship. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single. But in Pearl’s case, it’s a clear indication that her internet-fame and pandering behavior isn’t winning her the high value man you’d think she’d have by now. Instead, it’s attracting droves of highly questionable followers who pick apart her looks and past sexual history, shame her for aging, and don’t truly value her. Some might say she’s single because she’s not a smoking hot 21 year old virgin. That could be part of if, but the other part of it, I believe, is that she’s batting for the wrong team of men entirely.
The way I see it, the men who follow Pearl don’t genuinely appreciate her and they certainly aren’t attracted to her. They like what she’s saying. They’re drawn to her message because it validates their own beliefs and self satisfying desires. They amplify her voice in hopes that a younger, more attractive, and more traditionally feminine version of Pearl might see it and make herself available to them.
What’s intriguing about Pearl is that, according to her own advice, not even she meets criteria to be with a high-value man. She’s nearing 30, not a virgin, has strong opinions, frequently interrupts others, and doesn’t fit the conventional standards of physical attractiveness. In various interviews, she’s even expressed a desire for these aspects of her identity to be different. Recently, YouTubers Aba and Preach have done excellent spotlights on her contradicting advice/opinions and how it works against women, as it’s currently working against herself.
Though she might not realize it, Pearl gives off the impression that she doesn’t respect herself, and that’s why notoriously abusive characters are drawn to her. I’m afraid, assuming that her efforts aren’t a complete grift, she has a target on her back for abuse and disrespect if she ever does end up being in a relationship. She only seeks approval from those who will never truly respect her.
It’s important to clarify that my intention here is not to undermine a woman’s worth or suggest that everything a woman does is solely for the purpose of attracting a man. My criticism of Pearl is about the consistency between her advice and her actions.
The Consequences of Pick-Me Behavior
When you’re always seeking validation from others, constantly trying to prove that you’re the perfect “feminine” wife, it takes a toll on your self-esteem. You start to believe that you’re not enough just as you are, that you need to be different, to be more, to be chosen. And that, my friends, is a recipe for disaster. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and even depression.
I’ve seen it firsthand with women who come to me feeling lost, feeling like they’re not enough. They’ve spent so much time and energy trying to please him that they’ve lost sight of who they truly are. It’s heartbreaking, but the good news is, it’s not a life sentence. With the right help and support, it’s possible rebuild self-esteem and learn to value yourself for who you truly are.
When you’re endlessly seeking approval, always trying to please others, it leaves little room for your own needs and desires. It stunts your personal growth and puts a strain on your relationships. Because let’s face it, a relationship where one person is constantly pandering to the other is not a healthy or balanced relationship.
And here’s the scary part – this behavior can make you an easy target for abusive and predatory personalities. It signals that you don’t respect yourself, and so that attracts others who don’t feel the need to respect you either. That’s why selfish and opportunistic individuals are the main ones giving Pearl’s opinions and advice the credibility and validation it doesn’t deserve – they’re seeking relationships with malleable women who they can control, manipulate, and won’t speak out against their degenerate behavior.
Avoiding Pick-Me Behavior
There was a time when I was constantly comparing myself to others, always trying to morph into someone I wasn’t. I was bending over backwards, hoping to get men to like me. But let me tell you, that’s a tiring game to play, and it’s one you’ll never win. The real victory came when I realized that the only person I needed to be was myself.
When I learned how to respect myself, things began to change. I put standards and boundaries in place, and suddenly, the quality of people I was allowing into my life improved. I no longer felt the need to please others at the expense of my own happiness. Instead, I started to attract people who respected me for who I truly am, quirks and all.
It’s crucial to cultivate genuine relationships based on mutual respect. This means respecting the other person’s needs and desires, but also standing firm in your own. It means having open and honest communication, setting boundaries, and treating each other with kindness and respect. Because let’s face it, a relationship without respect is not a relationship worth having.
Another thing that’s vital – vetting men properly. It’s important to understand the difference between good men and toxic personalities. Not every man who shows interest in you is worth your time. Remember, as a woman, you have an over-abundance of options when it comes to men. Operate from that mindset, and you’ll never feel the need to settle for less than you deserve.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where women are often pitted against each other, where we’re told that we need to be young, hot, and feminine to be valuable. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Other women are not your competition. Instead of putting them down to make yourself look better, uplift them.
Bottom Line
As a woman who’s been happily committed to a man for the last 16 years, I can tell you that the key to a successful relationship is not about being a doting “feminine” wife. It’s about being you – authentically, unapologetically. It’s about respecting yourself and others, about cultivating genuine connections, and about uplifting each other.
So, if you find yourself falling into the trap, understand that you are worthy. You don’t need to pander to anyone or put down others to be seen as valuable. You are valuable, and the right person will see that.
And remember, I’m always here to help you navigate the sometimes tricky world of relationships. You deserve love and respect, and I want to help you find it.
Until next time,
Ash Pariseau
At it’s root, your criticism of Pearl is that she does what she does so that she can score a man. As a woman you should know that not everything a woman does is for the purpose of getting a man. On the contrary Pearl has 1.6 million youtube followers and is bringing a message that is resonating with millions of people. And you seem to be saying that despite her success at what she does, since she isn’t married she has somehow failed as a woman. That the only possible reason that she would point out the double standards that society has of men and advocate for men , is so that she can get a man. Come on. It’s been a hundred years since we measured a woman’s worth by whether she was married or not. It’s beneath you to stoop to this kind of criticism.
My intention is not to undermine a woman’s worth or suggest that everything a woman does is solely for the purpose of attracting a man.
My criticism of Pearl is not about her relationship status but rather about the consistency between her advice and her actions. My concern lies in the fact that she doesn’t seem to practice what she preaches. If she advocates for certain principles regarding relationships and gender roles, it’s essential for her to embody those principles in her own life as well.
I believe it’s perfectly fine for any woman, including Pearl or anyone else, to be happily single and own that choice without judgment. However, Pearl has claimed she would like to be be married and have kids someday, but is she doing well in meeting her goals? I don’t believe so. The issue is not about whether she is married or not; it’s about the coherence between her beliefs and actions, the consistency of her advice, and the progress of her own goals.
As an advisor or mentor, credibility and authenticity are crucial qualities. When someone doesn’t have personal experience or the ability to relate to the issues they discuss, it can raise doubts about the depth of their understanding. It’s essential for advisors and mentors to have the necessary insights and experiences to be effective in guiding others.
Ash Pariseau,
You don’t like Pearl because she is saying it like it is: that most “modern women” are men-hating, users and abusers. They don’t mind destroying men if they don’t get their way. They want commitment but give nothing in return.
So what, if Pearl doesn’t have a boyfriend or husband, that she doesn’t look hot, that is old, etc? She is not afraid to state the facts and not live in the make-belief, delusional world, that most women live in.
No one is hating no one, by saying it like it is.
Why don’t you instead focus on preventing “modern women,” from becoming the cat-ladies and bag-ladies of tomorrow? No one is buying what they are selling. Thank God for “Passport Bros” that look elsewhere for great, valuable women, leaving those dummies sucking their thumb, waiting for handouts.
If only you were as good at relationships as you are at making sweeping generalizations, you might not be so bitter.
You’re making a very misguided attempt as suggesting that men seeking women from other cultures are somehow making a superior choice. This thinking dangerously veers towards objectifying women from different backgrounds and ignores the essence of what makes relationships meaningful which are mutual respect, understanding, and genuine connection.
In short, the rest of your argument doesn’t hold water. It’s a collection of personal biases masquerading as “telling it like it is.” Real discourse requires a foundation of respect and evidence, not stereotypes and cynicism. Consider this before you comment again.
Good article. I’ve seen a lot of women like that, and the kinds of men they actually attract are about what you’ve described, if not worse. When they get involved with one of these ‘Alpha’ types they’re always walking on eggshells and finally end up with their own characters and personalities completely subsumed in his.
If you read many of these Red Pill sites for very long, you find them gushing over things like sex-robots and AI. That really speaks volumes as to what their ideal of womanhood is: something they can program to feed their own Narcissism.
The more I read, the more deeply I become curious about the psychology behind their way of thinking. But you said it well, especially about the robots and AI. Btw, I always appreciate and look forward to your comments here.
Thank you. Yes, their psychology is interesting, but hard to define. I think the best term which encapsulates it is the old term “Superiority Complex.” There are definite strains of Narcissism, Egotism, Self-Righteousness, Entitlement, and Paranoia throughout what they say and write.
Yes, superiority complex describes it well.
Pick-me girls end up attracting guys who look for any excuse to blame women for all the world’s ills, which is basically an addiction that she’s feeding. In other words, nothing more than a guy with mummy issues.
Thank you for your comment, Georgia. I think you nail it. Her content is a big dopamine hit for those guys looking for confirmation bias on their judgments of women.
I honestly feel bad for Pearl, you can tell that she is really hurting. It’s a shame that she has gone down this path of discouragement to herself and others. Her content fuels the victim mindset of herself and many of her followers. I first heard of her today and listened to her on a podcast, she was saying that woman should get married at 22 and not wait till 35. She’s not meeting these goals/standards like you’ve mentioned. Pearl obviously really wants a relationship/marriage. I think she uses these excuses of her being old, not a virgin to justify her not being desired by men. This has turned her into a female incel who parrots these viewpoints to feel validated
Well said, Ally. Many believe she’s grifting and doesn’t actually believe what she says. I sometimes wonder if she exaggerates with her more extremist views, but overall, I do think she feels ashamed about how she measures up in desirability to the men she’s attracted to. What I can’t figure out if why she doesn’t work to improve herself instead of spending all day every day obsessing about what women do. I also still have questions around why she’s still pandering to the lowest of men – pretending they are the highest value.
“Pick me” has been turned into a women’s version of “uncle tom”. If a woman doesn’t see men as the enemy, they call her “pick me” to keep her in line.
Really, a woman doesn’t have to do anything to get attention or approval from men. Her simply existing is enough. So “pick me”, as originally defined, isn’t a thing anymore.
I see Pearl as more of a grifter. Her act is doing wonders for her bank account.
Why do you think Pearl is having so much trouble finding a man?
Because she’s 6′ 1″ or there abouts. That would be like the equivelant of being a 5′ 1″ man trying to date. Not only that but she is doing very well financially, is famous and doing well financially. So she is just like any other wealthy woman, who has trouble finding a mate, because all women want to date up, never down. Put those two together and her chances of finding a mate that is taller and more successful than her are easily less than 0.5%.
Anyone who passes her up for just her height isn’t worth being with in this he first place. This society has got to start learning how to get over its superficial, shallow nonsense. Most men aren’t too good for her, even with her delusional conditioning.
No no, you misunderstand. The men aren’t the ones that are passing her up. Many men would date her. SHE IS THE ONE that would deem most men unacceptable. She is a woman and thus will only date up. So the man would have to be taller than her and make more money than her in order for her to even think about being with them. As I said before, how many men are taller than 6′ 1″ AND make more money than her? Precious few I can gaurantee you. So her height and wealth have made the pool of acceptable men (in her eyes) so small as to be non-existant. On top of that, the man that is 6’1″ and taller and makes good money would have far better options than her.
If this is true, why does she continuously pander to the lowest forms of male examples on the internet?
Pearl has clearly gone “full Tate” in a pathetic hunt for clout so I won’t defend her or the ideas she promotes. This whole “take away women’s voting right” campaign is so nonsensically appalling that it shouldn’t even be gratified by a response.
This said, I’d really urge you to reconsider some of your positions—or at least give them a proper “think over.” Having read through a number of your articles, I couldn’t help but notice that your work is riddled with internal contradictions and logical incongruities, which strongly suggest you are in fact advocating for partisan preconceptions rather than developing a proper argumentation.
You note that Pearl’s advocated standards failed to achieve the intended results in her own life while at the same time claiming that Pearl doesn’t uphold her own standards. That’s logically inconclusive. Her standards could be valid and her failing to uphold them the reason why the desired outcome wasn’t achieved.
You argue that Pearl’s failing to secure a relationship by her thirties makes her unfit to provide relationship advice to young women. But Pearl’s message is intended for an audience of women with “traditional” aspirations towards relationships, motherhood, and family life. If one’s legitimacy is to be assessed in light of their own personal situation, you don’t appear any more qualified than Pearl to address her intended audience.
Did you ever consider whether what you call “pick me” actually has nothing to do with submissively agreeing with your man to preserve a toxic relationship and everything to do with displaying traits that most men find desirable in order to improve your chances of securing a mutually fulfilling relationship? In fact, did you ever ask yourself—or even better, ask men directly—what their preferences were for a prospective life partner? From reading your articles, I can assure you that you know very little about men preferences, and what you so often present as THE conditions essential to a relationship are in fact YOUR conditions to enter a relationship.
You claim that “pick me” is about seeking validation from men. But doesn’t striving to be more mindful about the other sex’s preferences demonstrate one’s willingness to undertake self-improvement rather than beg for undeserved validation? Conversely, you vociferously promote the need to be accepted for exactly who you are by your partner—isn’t that the ultimate and most selfish form of validation-craving behavior?
In all honesty, the more I read you, the more concerned I am that your intentions have little to do with helping women and a lot more with justifying your own life choices.
Some of Pearl’s standards could theoretically work for some in a perfect scenario. But if she as the advocate struggles to live up to them, it might mean those standards are either unrealistic or missing some important ingredients for success. Even if such standards are valid in theory, there’s a question on practicality and applicability in real life. If a chef recommends a recipe but can’t make it taste good to themselves, wouldn’t you question the recipe?
In regards to qualifications, I’ve been into dating and relationships for about 25 years. It’s been a deep and meaningful journey into what makes or breaks the connection between men and women. For the last 16 years, I’ve been solid in a relationship with a man that exceeds my needs and desires and yes, that came with its fair share of learning too.
I’ve studied the anatomy of both failures and successes in relationships as a passion. And just for good measure, I’ve gone through accredited professional training in relationship coaching. So when I offer advice, it’s not from skimming articles or watching podcast bros, it’s from years of experience in the trenches, supported by actual study and practice. So I’ve got my receipts.
On a similar note, it’s interesting that you suspect I haven’t done my homework on what men want. Ive had just about as many conversations with men about their preferences as I’ve had hot dinners in my life, so I’m not stranger to what most men say they want. And as you can tell, they often come to me to volunteer this information. Which is fine, as I collect it all as data. One thing I’ve learned is that there’s a big difference between what the average Joe’s wishlist and what quality men – the loyal, respectful, cooperative, and emotionally intelligent gentleman attract and actually value in a partner. The goal isn’t to be the catch of the day for most men. The women I speak to are in the business of showcasing traits that attract a man who’s worth the effort, which is a different story than a lot of these podcast bros or their followers.
When I talk about the pick me phenomenon being about seeking validation, it’s not to dismiss the value of self improvement. It’s one thing to strive for self improvement with the intention of becoming the best version of yourself, for yourself. It’s entirely another to morph into what you think others want you to be, purely to get their thumbs up. The former is empowering… the latter, not so much.
Advocating for acceptance of your authentic self in a relationship isn’t about refusing to grow or change. It’s important to find someone who respects and loves the real you, not an idealized version. But you can strive to improve and grow without losing the essence of who you are. And yes it’s absolutely possible to seek a partner who values you for your authenticity while you both work on becoming better versions of yourselves together. That’s the kind of balanced, healthy dynamic I want to promote.
Finally, you’re concerned my intentions might be more about justifying my own life choices than genuinely helping women, so what exactly gives you that impression? I share my experiences and lessons in the hope of enlightening and supporting others on similar paths. But if there’s something specific that makes you think otherwise, I’m curious as to what that is.
OK let’s put my vision to the test shall we? I don’t know you but if you lived your life according to your preaching, your current situation should look something like this: your early thirties are getting farther and farther behind you, you have no kids, and the relationship you’re currently in—even if longstanding—is an uncommitted one with no firm plans of getting married in the near future. I’d also guess you’re still objectively good looking but not quite as much as you used to. And I’ll push my luck even further with a last bet on some kind of attention seeking hobby—probably (hopefully) nothing too R-rated but still involving some public display of yourself. How did I do?
You have to understand that your life choices are what brought you into your current situation. Now that might very well be enviable to you, but it sure won’t be true for the majority of women—especially those with more traditional aspirations. So my view is that you should be honest about, and take accountability for, what you preach: you’re not dispensing unbiased life advice to women, you’re providing advice to women who would be content with the life you currently live.
Your crystal ball must be working overtime to generate such a vivid picture of my life! I appreciate the creative effort, but life isn’t a sweater that’s one size fits all. My thirties are nearing the end, but yes we’re married, committed, and child-free by choice. And as for looks, well I take care of my appearance and I believe I’m rocking my body now more than ever. Not the scrawny nerd I used to be! I’ll be dropping throwback photos when the time’s right. Let’s just say my interests and hobbies are diverse, and sharing my thoughts with the world is one of them. R-rated or not, that’s for me to know and others to… well, not worry about lol.
My aim isn’t to clone my lifestyle in the minds and lives of every woman reading my words. It’s to offer fundamentals of wisdom and experiences to help them carve out their own path. I’m not in the business of selling dreams or dictating life choices. I’m here to share my perspectives, maybe stir the pot a bit, and encourage women to think critically about what they want and how they’re going to get it. If my life serves as a reference point for some, great. If not, that’s cool too. The world’s a big place, and there’s more than enough room for all of us to find our own way don’t you think?
Thanks for sharing that about yourself. You are absolutely entitled to your own opinions and I totally understand—and even hope—you are satisfied with your current situation. The point I was trying to make and suggested you pay more attention to is in applying the greatest standard of diligence and transparency in your consulting/advising work. Exiting your thirties with no kids means you are very unlikely to ever have any—there’s nothing wrong with that and you shouldn’t let anyone tell you otherwise (I’m sure you don’t!), but you also have to realize that many women would not be content with your situation.
However, advice such as “body count should be about exploring and ultimately does not matter” or “you should find a man who accepts you exactly for who you are despite your age or past” is likely to lead young women down your own life path without them necessarily realizing before it’s too late. The same way I’d want to know about my financial advisor’s personal wealth before I follow their advice, I think it’s only fair to expect some transparency about your personal life as a relationship consultant. Hopefully that we can agree on.
I understand your point on transparency. You could say some of my advice comes from also understanding the value of discernment in what we share and with whom. In my work, I advocate for transparency with those who have earned the right to see the most intimate parts of our lives. Not everyone deserves a front row seat to our personal stories, and some of my advice is rooted in that vein as well, like the body count post for example. Many women learn that sadly we can easily get burned when we lay our cards out for everyone to see. Maybe I could discuss more about how to know when to open up and when to keep their cards close to their chest.
One of the most pathetic articles I’ve ever read. Yes, there may be PICK ME behaviour and there can be example of that, but nowdays it is just term used by feminist-wanna-be who is not satisfied with the opinion of other women. Women do not need men , they can easily destroy each other over almost nothing… U picked Pearl bcs u dont agree with her… Sad.
There are a lot of people I can agree to disagree with, but Pearl pushes a very toxic narrative of women all while not having the knowledge and experience of healthy relationships herself and it needs to be called out.
There are plenty of women that I disagree with, respectfully. Pearl is a pick-me because she’s constantly throwing women under the bus for things that men also do, but she pretends men are so much better. I’m not standing for it without calling it out.