In my line of work, I’ve come across all sorts of relationship dynamics, but few quite as perplexing as the “Pick-me” girl. It’s a term that’s been making rounds on social media, particularly among the younger generation. But trust me when I say, it’s not just a Gen Z thing. This concept has been around for a while, lurking in the shadows, and it’s about time we shine a light on it.
So, what is a “pick-me” girl? Well, imagine a woman who goes out of her way to stand out from the crowd, not by showcasing her unique qualities or talents, but by desperately seeking validation and approval, particularly from men. She’s the one whose message constantly says, “I’m not like other girls,” as if being a woman is something to be ashamed of. She’s the one who puts down other women to make herself seem more appealing. She’s the one who panders to toxic male personalities, thinking it will win her the prize – a “high value” man. But here’s the kicker – it doesn’t.
Understanding Pick-Me Behavior
What fuels the pick-me mentality? It’s a cocktail of low self-esteem, a desperate need for validation, and a misguided belief that being the “cool girl” who’s down for anything will win the hearts of high value men. Researchers have found that those with lower self-esteem were more likely to engage in self-deprecating behavior and seek approval from others, which could perpetuate the pick-me attitude.
We live in a world where our lives are constantly on display, where likes, shares, and comments have become a measure of our worth. And let’s not forget the movies and TV shows that glorify the cool girl who’s one of the guys, who doesn’t get along with other women, and who’s always ready to please her man. It’s no wonder that many young women fall into the pick-me trap. But let me tell you from experience, any man worth his salt will value you for your authentic being, not for some caricature you’ve created to please him.
I remember in the early days of dating when I thought I had to show up as a potential perfect wifey. I tried my hand at being the doting girlfriend, agreeing with his every opinion, and suppress my own needs and desires to keep him happy. I once backed out of participating in a Miss Indiana pageant because my ex didn’t like the idea of me being on stage in a bikini. And I pretended to “get it” when he tried to explain that he was just being a protective “alpha male.” But over time, I realized that going along to get along wasn’t me. I wasn’t being true to myself, and it was taking a toll on my happiness and our relationship. It was only when I started being my authentic self that I attracted better quality men. And guess what? The man I’m with now doesn’t want a perfect doting wifey. He wanted me – with all my quirks, opinions, and passions.
The Illusion of Approval
The pick-me mentality believes that their pandering, self-depreciating behavior will attract a good, high value man, a man who will adore them for being silent and submissive – love them for standing behind him while he reaps most of the benefits in the relationship – cherish them understanding how “men need to be men” and “women need to be women.” However, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Quality men – the kind of men who are emotionally mature, respectful, and genuinely interested in you as a person – they’re not looking for a woman who panders to their every whim. They’re not interested in a woman who belittles her own gender to seem more appealing. No, they’re looking for a woman who is confident, who respects herself and others, who is authentic and true to herself.
On the flip side, pick-me behavior often attracts the wrong kind of attention. It draws in toxic, selfish characters – the kind of men who take advantage of a woman’s desperation for approval, who enjoy the power dynamics of having a woman constantly seek their validation.
I’ve had women come to me who embody this way of thinking in their relationships. Of course, they wouldn’t consider themselves to me pick-mes by definition, but they were always trying to please their boyfriend, always agreeing with him, always putting his needs before her own. They thought this would make a guy appreciate her more. But instead, it had the opposite effect. These guys took them for granted, disrespected them, and never truly valued these women for who are are. It’s a hard lesson, but it’s a wake-up call. Thankfully, a few of them realized that they deserved better, that they didn’t need to diminish themselves to be loved.
Case Study: Pearl Davis (JustPearlyThings)
Let’s take Pearl Davis for example, better known as JustPearlyThings on social media. Pearl has made quite a name for herself online, but not necessarily for the right reasons. Broadcaster Piers Morgan and the NY Post recently referred to her as “female Andrew Tate,” as she has come forward to say she believes women shouldn’t vote, that they should remain virgins until marriage and submissive to their husbands, and that there’s never an excuse for divorce.
Pearl’s online persona is a textbook example of a pick-me. She’s constantly pandering to the anti-feminists and “dominant male” narrative that often work against the benefit of women, and putting down her fellow modern women in a bid to stand out. On YouTube, you can often find her championing and encouraging male-centric ideologies often touted from the red pill, manosphere, and MGTOW communities that limit choices and opportunities for women while encouraging various forms of self-indulgent debauchery for men.
But here’s what’s interesting – despite all her efforts, despite all her pandering, Pearl is still perpetually single, and has been for a long time. Not only that, in spite of all of the relationship and marriage advice she gives to women online, she’s never been married or in a long term relationship. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single. But in Pearl’s case, it’s a clear indication that her internet-fame and pandering behavior isn’t winning her the high value man you’d think she’d have by now. Instead, it’s attracting droves of highly questionable followers who pick apart her looks and past sexual history, shame her for aging, and don’t truly value her. Some might say she’s single because she’s not a smoking hot 21 year old virgin. That could be part of if, but the other part of it, I believe, is that she’s batting for the wrong team of men entirely.
The way I see it, the men who follow Pearl don’t genuinely appreciate her and they certainly aren’t attracted to her. They like what she’s saying. They’re drawn to her message because it validates their own beliefs and self satisfying desires. They amplify her voice in hopes that a younger, more attractive, and more traditionally feminine version of Pearl might see it and make herself available to them.
What’s intriguing about Pearl is that, according to her own advice, not even she meets criteria to be with a high-value man. She’s nearing 30, not a virgin, has strong opinions, frequently interrupts others, and doesn’t fit the conventional standards of physical attractiveness. In various interviews, she’s even expressed a desire for these aspects of her identity to be different. Recently, YouTubers Aba and Preach have done excellent spotlights on her contradicting advice/opinions and how it works against women, as it’s currently working against herself.
Though she might not realize it, Pearl gives off the impression that she doesn’t respect herself, and that’s why notoriously abusive characters are drawn to her. I’m afraid, assuming that her efforts aren’t a complete grift, she has a target on her back for abuse and disrespect if she ever does end up being in a relationship. She only seeks approval from those who will never truly respect her.
It’s important to clarify that my intention here is not to undermine a woman’s worth or suggest that everything a woman does is solely for the purpose of attracting a man. My criticism of Pearl is about the consistency between her advice and her actions.
The Consequences of Pick-Me Behavior
When you’re always seeking validation from others, constantly trying to prove that you’re the perfect “feminine” wife, it takes a toll on your self-esteem. You start to believe that you’re not enough just as you are, that you need to be different, to be more, to be chosen. And that, my friends, is a recipe for disaster. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and even depression.
I’ve seen it firsthand with women who come to me feeling lost, feeling like they’re not enough. They’ve spent so much time and energy trying to please him that they’ve lost sight of who they truly are. It’s heartbreaking, but the good news is, it’s not a life sentence. With the right help and support, it’s possible rebuild self-esteem and learn to value yourself for who you truly are.
When you’re endlessly seeking approval, always trying to please others, it leaves little room for your own needs and desires. It stunts your personal growth and puts a strain on your relationships. Because let’s face it, a relationship where one person is constantly pandering to the other is not a healthy or balanced relationship.
And here’s the scary part – this behavior can make you an easy target for abusive and predatory personalities. It signals that you don’t respect yourself, and so that attracts others who don’t feel the need to respect you either. That’s why selfish and opportunistic individuals are the main ones giving Pearl’s opinions and advice the credibility and validation it doesn’t deserve – they’re seeking relationships with malleable women who they can control, manipulate, and won’t speak out against their degenerate behavior.
Avoiding Pick-Me Behavior
There was a time when I was constantly comparing myself to others, always trying to morph into someone I wasn’t. I was bending over backwards, hoping to get men to like me. But let me tell you, that’s a tiring game to play, and it’s one you’ll never win. The real victory came when I realized that the only person I needed to be was myself.
When I learned how to respect myself, things began to change. I put standards and boundaries in place, and suddenly, the quality of people I was allowing into my life improved. I no longer felt the need to please others at the expense of my own happiness. Instead, I started to attract people who respected me for who I truly am, quirks and all.
It’s crucial to cultivate genuine relationships based on mutual respect. This means respecting the other person’s needs and desires, but also standing firm in your own. It means having open and honest communication, setting boundaries, and treating each other with kindness and respect. Because let’s face it, a relationship without respect is not a relationship worth having.
Another thing that’s vital – vetting men properly. It’s important to understand the difference between good men and toxic personalities. Not every man who shows interest in you is worth your time. Remember, as a woman, you have an over-abundance of options when it comes to men. Operate from that mindset, and you’ll never feel the need to settle for less than you deserve.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where women are often pitted against each other, where we’re told that we need to be young, hot, and feminine to be valuable. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Other women are not your competition. Instead of putting them down to make yourself look better, uplift them.
As a woman who’s been happily committed to a man for the last 16 years, I can tell you that the key to a successful relationship is not about being a doting “feminine” wife. It’s about being you – authentically, unapologetically. It’s about respecting yourself and others, about cultivating genuine connections, and about uplifting each other.
So, if you find yourself falling into the trap, understand that you are worthy. You don’t need to pander to anyone or put down others to be seen as valuable. You are valuable, and the right person will see that.
And remember, I’m always here to help you navigate the sometimes tricky world of relationships. You deserve love and respect, and I want to help you find it.
Until next time,