How to Spot and Avoid Pick-Me Girl Behavior

I want to dive headfirst into a topic that’s been stirring up the social media pot – the notorious ‘Pick-Me Girl’.

A pick-me is the one constantly trying to set herself apart from ‘other girls’, subtly (or not-so-subtly) begging for approval, usually from men. This behavior is fueled by a misguided sense of uniqueness and a desperate need for validation, often at the expense of her fellow women.

Why should you care about this? Well, understanding the ‘Pick-Me Girl’ syndrome is important, not just for our self-awareness, but for our relationships too. It helps us spot these patterns in ourselves and others, and, ultimately, it’s about fostering healthier, more supportive interactions among women.

The Concept of a Pick-Me Girl

You might be wondering where this whole ‘Pick-Me Girl’ concept came from. Well, the phrase gained popularity on social media platforms, serving as a shorthand for women who go overboard in trying to impress men or show how they’re ‘not like other girls’. Remember when Jan from “The Office” started cooking roasts and playing golf because she thought that’s what Michael wanted? Classic Pick-Me Girl vibes.

Society and pop culture play a significant role in shaping this behavior. For instance, many rom-coms and TV dramas glorify the idea of the ‘cool girl’ who’s into sports, video games, or other traditionally male dominated activities, often at the expense of other women’s interests. This feeds into the stereotype that women should mold themselves into an ideal to attract attention or approval. But let’s be real, being authentic beats playing a role any day.

Identifying Pick-Me Girl Traits

A pick-me girl emphasizes, loudly and often, that she’s ‘not like other girls’. She prides herself on being the “perfect” girlfriend or wife, while claiming that women unlike her would make terrible partners.

Secondly, she has a seemingly unquenchable thirst for validation, usually from men. Like the character of Jessa in “Girls”, who’s constantly seeking male attention, often at the cost of her self respect. The crux of the problem is the need for external validation rather than seeking self fulfillment.

Lastly, she often undermines or devalues other women in an attempt to highlight her own ‘uniqueness’. It’s like when Regina George in “Mean Girls” gave backhanded compliments to her ‘friends’ just to make herself look better.

Why are these behaviors concerning? Well, constantly trying to separate oneself from the crowd can lead to isolation, and constantly seeking validation from others can damage self esteem. Also, undermining other women fosters negativity and competition instead of unity and support. Not only does this impact the individual’s mental well being, but it also strains relationships and perpetuates narrow gender stereotypes.

The Impact of Pick-Me Girl Behavior

The effects of Pick-Me Girl behavior can be damaging both personally and socially. On a personal level, it’s like running on a hamster wheel of validation seeking, leading to a cycle of insecurity and self depreciation. This could take a serious toll on mental health and self esteem, much like what we saw with Marianne in “Normal People”, constantly struggling to see her own worth.

On a social level, it strains relationships. Who wants to be friends with someone constantly trying to one-up them or tearing them down to feel better about themselves? Remember “Bridesmaids”, where Annie and Helen’s rivalry nearly ruins their friendships and the wedding?

Long term, this behavior can hinder personal growth. After all, if you’re busy chasing approval, how can you truly evolve as a person?

How to Avoid Pick-Me Girl Behavior

So, how do we steer clear of the Pick-Me Girl rabbit hole? Here are a few thoughts.

Firstly, work on building self-confidence and understanding your worth. It’s all about realizing that your value isn’t determined by how ‘different’ you are or how much attention you get.

Secondly, cultivate genuine relationships based on mutual respect and understanding. That means no more undermining or one-upping.

Lastly, make a conscious effort to uplift other women. It’s about building each other up, not tearing each other down.

Remember, it’s crucial to engage in self-reflection and be aware of any tendencies towards Pick-Me Girl behavior. Like Poussey from “Orange Is The New Black” says, “You’ve got to love yourself. You get to a certain point, and you gotta fill in the blanks yourself.”

If you would like more help with killing your inner pick-me, I have a few spots open for 1:1 consulting. For more info, check out the consulting tab up in the main menu bar and from there, you can fill out the application to get started working with me privately.

Until next time,

Ash Pariseau


  1. “Firstly, work on building self-confidence and understanding your worth. It’s all about realizing that your value isn’t determined by how ‘different’ you are or how much attention you get.”

    I think that it’s more fundamental than even that. If you have a strong sense of self-respect, you don’t need external validation. Your self-respect is the most important characteristic you possess. Everything proceeds from there. Your boundaries protect your self-respect and you periodically need to defend it. People will attempt to attack it. If they destroy it, you’re screwed.

    Nobody respects a doormat.

    “And then I asked her why she looked so happy now
    She said, “I finally like myself, at last I like myself”
    – Harry Chapin “Sequel”

    I spent 4 years with a woman who didn’t like herself. I told her that if she didn’t figure some things out, she had the potential to go through life as a very unhappy person. After we broke up, she came back looking for a shoulder to cry on because my successor was allegedly cheating on her. Shortly after, she told me she was flying to meet him for a long weekend. I said, “The guy that’s cheating on you? I thought you had more self-respect. You really don’t like yourself, do you?”

    At our last meeting, she said, “You told me that I had the potential to go through life as a very unhappy person. I hate you for that.”

    I don’t know if she ever changed.

  2. Iwas today years old when I heard and learned about a ” Pick me Girl”

    At first I thought she was Narcissistic but then it all fell into place.

2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Pearl Davis and The Illusion of Approval: Why the Pick-Me Always Loses – Dames That Know
  2. Are Men Shifting Dating Roles to Protect Their Egos? – Dames That Know

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