Yes, You DO Have Something To Offer


coupleBack in early 2015, I published an article for Thought Catalog that introduces the question, Ladies, What Do You Have To Offer In Your Relationships?

I wrote that one because I wanted to inspire younger women to start thinking about what they bring to the table in their relationships with men rather than only thinking about what they are getting out of the deal.

From that article,

They sometimes seem to think that because they look good, have a college degree and a high paying career, that should be enough to satisfy the man of their dreams. As a woman, you can be smart, good looking, talented, accomplished, and make good money, but how much do those things matter to the one you are with?

Of course it’s good for women to evaluate the man she is seeing and how happy she is in the relationship, but it’s also necessary to think about his happiness too.

Reading that article back to myself, I can say I would have written it differently if I were to sit down and write it today, but the intention of getting women to think would still be the same.

I remember writing it thinking that it might anger some women and possibly send a small mob of feminists after me, and I was willing to take that risk. However, that didn’t happen.

Instead, it garnered the most attention from angry men who call themselves MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way). Like moths to the flame, these men came to the page all fired up, leaving comments about how Western modern women have nothing to offer men besides sex. Scroll down on the article and have a look for yourself.

It’s been well over three years and I am still getting comments and messages from that piece.

One MGTOW individual made a youtube video where he reads my article and adds in some of his own opinion.

Most of the comments in both the article and video are slightly altered versions of the same cookie cutter argument.

“Women have nothing to offer besides disappointment.”

“If I wanted a parasite, I’d go catch a disease somewhere.”

“Women are a waste of fucking space, if you like trouble and misery then get a women”

“Modern women have NOTHING to offer that is worth what they demand. The entitlement is out of control. MGTOW is the ONLY WAY.”

It goes on and on like this.

Lost in the mix of these angry comments are some reasonable voices who have constructive criticism about the current dynamics between men and women in relationships. Sadly, they were drowned out by the majority.

Since writing that article, I’ve been harassed and slandered by MGTOW continuously, but I wanted to bring the topic to light because I think it’s important to point out a simple truth that exists in spite of all the noise.

Regardless of what they say, you DO have something to offer.

Their nasty words aren’t worth a damn. They know it and they hate it so they want to make you think that it’s you as a woman that isn’t worth a damn. Nonsense.

Good men don’t think the way those guys do, and there are plenty of really good men who understand the value of a woman. I know this because I’ve met them. I have them in my life.

There was once a time when I was unsure of myself and my value as a person and as a girlfriend. Like a lot of young girls, it caused me to be insecure, jealous, and moody. I thought other women were better than me, although I couldn’t pinpoint why. I just thought there must be some reason why guys would want them over me. Maybe they were prettier, smarter, more fun or interesting. Without realizing, it was that lack of self esteem that caused some people to see me in a lesser way.

If I listened to hateful comments, I would have been emotionally beaten down even further, but I refused to let that happen. I refused to listen to the riffraff.

It took time and self searching, but I came into understanding my worth as a woman, as a human being. Thankfully, I’ve had the best of people help in bringing that out of me.

Knowing your worth and what you have to offer is probably one of the most important things a woman can do for herself. It’s also just as important that she surrounds herself with people who understand the value that she brings.

You have something to bring to the table, but it’s up to you to figure out what that is.

It could be anything.

Support, nurturing, respect, trust, empathy, companionship, partnership, intimacy, loyalty, fun, adventure, endurance through pain and illness, humility, beauty, family.

There are things inside of you that a man wants – that a man needs. Figure out which of these qualities comes more naturally to you and then make the most of it. Let these features show through you in such a way that it speaks for itself.

You are a woman. You give purpose to the world.

Don’t let anyone deny that fact.

Also, never tolerate men (or anyone) who accuse “modern Western women” of no longer being worth the time, money, energy, or resources. This is just a way for them to tear down and disqualify you, but it says more about them than it does about women. Let them be the miserable assholes. You don’t have to give a damn what they think.

And finally, never allow yourself to be mislead into thinking that what you have to offer is insignificant. There will always be someone out there who needs what you have to give. You may not be every man’s cup of tea, but you are one man’s finest glass of whiskey.

— Ash Pariseau

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Ash Pariseau
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Comments 39

  • WOW!

    I went and read the comments, and it really did get nasty. So sorry that happened. ☹️

    I think that for men, one of the most important things is someone we can rely on. Those who say that women aren’t worth it, have probably been hurt and are just trying to protect themselves by putting up a wall.

    Maybe it is less that women aren’t worth it, and more that men are less willing to be vulnerable again. That’s pretty much where i am…

    • Thank you for commenting. I think most of us can understand being hurt. I just hope those who have been hurt find a way to heal and move forward in a healthy way.

      We can’t always control what happens to us but we can control how we respond.

  • Powerful statement right here:

    “You are a woman. You give purpose to the world.”

    I have to say, I’ve witnessed your evolution through this blog, from when you started until now, and the comments that you leave in various other blogs and I think it’s been very similar to mine. I actually initially stumbled upon the red pill, MGTOW, incel and such forums at a time when feminism was neck high and I got tired of them complaining about seemingly insignificant things. I grew up with a healthy respect for men because the men around me showed me respect. After being exposed to the toxic nature of the different redpill blogs and forums, I was so disgusted at the actions, thoughts and attitudes of men towards women, that I could no longer defend men when women complained about them. I thought some of these women were making it up, but as I spent more time in those forums, I realized that a lot of the things the women said were true about men and the male entitlement is incredibly massive.

    Now I more than often defend women when I feel like they’re being unfairly judged at attacked.

    The MGTOW men are the particularly nasty ones (although the dark triad ones are pretty gross too), I didn’t even click on the link you provided here, because I knew I would be disgusted at the whining and bitching of what are supposed to be grown ass men. And it’s incredibly hilarious because for most of these men, their miseries are often their own fault and most of the things they accuse women of doing, are things that they do themselves. They seek the things that they supposedly value in clearly dysfunctional women (usually because they’re blinded by her clearly out of his league beauty), and then extrapolate that to all women. They create an echo chamber where even the men that have probably never experienced any negative things from women, become absorbed into the toxicity and pre-judge women before they meet them. And then seek to fulfill their confirmation biases in the subsequent women that they meet. If you look through the forums of ‘ex-redpill’ men, i.e the ones that had the willpower enough to pull themselves out of the toxic wasteland, one of the most common things that they say is that once they left redpill, everything in their world seemed brighter and better. Even the women they began meeting were sweeter and kinder and they were able to form and maintain healthy, mutually satisfying relationships.

    Redpill fills your mind with so much waste, that it becomes all you see with your shit colored glasses. And I suspect that the sexual frustration that results in these MGTOW men supposedly “going their own way” continues to spark the fire and deepen their bitterness and jadedness. Nothing but a bunch of failures there tbh.

    Sorry I went off on a rant there for a bit. Overall great message, Ash. Thank you for encouraging women and reminding them of their value, in a sea of hate, contempt and resentment. I agree with everything you’ve said here. I wish you would post even more often 🙂

    • Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Taylor and I can relate to everything you’ve said on this topic as well.

      I was debating about bringing this topic up because I didn’t want to shine a spotlight on a crowd that is known for bad behavior, but I decided I should because the truth is the truth, and I’ve had years of history engaging with MGTOW online and this is what I’ve experienced.

      My intentions aren’t to trash talk, but rather encourage women to not be beaten down by hate and vitriol such as what I mentioned. I’d like for women to be able to defend themselves when they feel attacked with the rhetoric that these guys often put forward, although without having flame wars and stooping to their level. I think you and I are good examples of diplomatic women who can tactfully stand up for ourselves and stand up for women when the situation calls for it.

      I do plan to post more often. ?

  • Ash, excellent voice!

    I think those type of men you are referring to are frustrated because they haven’t found the right woman. Maybe for some, there is no right woman because they hold on to unrealistic standards, ideals, and even toxic mentality and behaviors. Many of those men aren’t willing to do anything to better how they see women and the world so it’s easier for them to place blame and opt out of the marketplace.

    Your response to this is ideal. It’s not a woman’s responsibility to fix how these mgtow think. That’s their own responsibility. The best thing women can do is focus on their own goals and find the right man for themselves. Essentially, move on. No time for hating, no time for pettiness. Just move on with their lives and leave the mgtow to deal with their own shit like they should be anyway.

    Great post and I agree with Taylor that you should post more often.

    • Thank you for your comment, Manda.
      I think these men are frustrated for various reasons but I think it’s imperative that we as women make it clear that there’s no excuse to disrespect the entire gender of women.

  • The following is copied from here:

    @ Ashe:

    1. The issue is not whether women have something to offer. The issue is whether men want what the women have to offer.

    2. The issue is not whether women have something to offer. The issue is whether they will destroy without warning the very thing they helped the man build.

    Men are risk evaluators. Based on a track record developed since no-fault marriage was introduced, and the emergence of the internet as a place for men to compare stories, men are beginning to evaluate whether the value she has to offer offsets the risk she poses to the man that she will destroy what they spend many years building.

    3. These are not meant to be unkind questions: is it possible for any woman to truely get her mind around all of the issues for men contained in Points 1 and 2. Men undertand that the woman might truely want to help, might truely believe she will never blow up the marriage. Do women truely understand that men see how quickly women change their minds on these things when it is to their advantage to do so (e.g., a more attractive man appears)?

    4. Let’s accept that their are women who develop an allegience to principles that help them honor their commitments even when that more attractive man appears. But men see them as a minority group – mostly already taken by a husband.

    I agree with the comments expressed above that the type of woman available in bars does not reflect all women. I agree that it is a mistake to extrapolate from how damaged women behave to say that “all women are like that”. They are not. But, having said that, my Points 1-4 are still relevant to the discussion.

    • Thank you for commenting, Richard.

      1. Things I most commonly see women bringing to men that I listed earlier in the post: Support, nurturing, respect, trust, empathy, companionship, partnership, intimacy, loyalty, fun, adventure, endurance through pain and illness, humility, beauty, family.

      Would you say that men desire these things in a relationship with a woman?

      2. That’s at least partially an issue of trust, isn’t it? If a man has properly strategized and qualified a woman, he’d trust her and she’d be worthy of his trust. She wouldn’t destroy.

      3. I can’t tell you how all women think but I can tell how how I think. This point is positioned for a one sided argument. Why is it the woman “blowing up the marriage?” I can tell you that in my conversations with MGTOW, they rarely if ever admit fault in their arguments with me. They rationalize calling me names and further slandering me in their forums, posting and editing my photos, and justify it tooth and nail. Something tells me their nasty divorce didn’t cause all of this. They were like that on their wedding day. In other words, are they willing to admit that its possible that women aren’t the only problem?

      4. In other words, good women are taken. Of course they are. Hopefully by good men who understand how to make a marriage work.

  • This is such a complicated topic regarding the reaction of MGTOW. Everything between the sexes has become ridiculously complicated it seems!

    Yes, a woman should try to be her best self, and understand her worth to a relationship/marriage. But I can definitely understand how men in MGTOW do not want the risks coupled with committing to ANY woman, no matter how “worthy” she seems. When men lose due to bargaining on the “wrong woman,” they literally lose everything and it’s just incredible that so much of our society believes that is ok.

    We’ve seen too many divorces where the wife was probably “unworthy” (YES there are lots of women who marry and weren’t worthy of the man who took them) and then abuses her husband for years… and then tries to claim *she* was the one taken for granted! It is crazy how many couples we know who fit that description. I just saw another one recently where the wife believes it’s ok to hold their young child hostage (she’s basically kidnapped him from her husband) and won’t even let her husband know where she’s staying with their son!! And all the women who know her except for me, are telling her “You go girl!!” They don’t even understand AT ALL why her husband is angry about this. And yes, this is still the majority of women who “don’t get it” what men go through when deciding to marry.

    And the response that MGTOW are “just sexually frustrated losers,” is just not helpful at all in the longrun. Just like women who don’t understand how valuable their youth, sexual innocence and beauty are (who end up wasting those years on men who don’t value them) were lied to by their parents or the culture etc., those MGTOW men were also lied to… and robbed of a future they more than likely would have had (the dream of the house, wife, kids and happy life!) decades ago, since most people were able to marry back then and live generally that way.

    I’ve heard quite a few MGTOW admit they had to let go of that dream of having a loving wife and a family, and that takes them through a very deep and painful grieving process… much the same a woman would go through who believed the lies feminism promises and ends up husbandless, childless, sexually frustrated, and very much unhappy. We know women like that, too, and it’s awful! Were they “unworthy,” a lot of them weren’t, they just didn’t know how to attract the kind of men they wanted (a lot of times this meant losing weight or becoming more attractive themselves… which no one told them the harsh truth that to get the kind of man they were attracted to, they needed to become their “best self” ).

    So I don’t know… it really seems like both sexes got screwed over with feminism changing the dynamics between them. I think for myself, I just ignore and don’t read much in the way of the toxic statements about women coming out of MGTOW. It doesn’t apply to me anyway, and I can see where they’re coming from.

    Every time another woman callously divorces her husband, or decides to kidnap their son like the one I’m seeing right now, we’re creating more men like what is in MGTOW. The only way to stop it would be to change the laws so women couldn’t do that without harsh, legal punishment, take away no-fault divorce, and make false accuses have double the jail time as what the crime would have called for.

    • @steph:

      I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said except for the part about taking away no fault divorce.

      If someone doesn’t want to be with you, why would you want to be stuck being with them? Wouldn’t it be better to just have an all over and done with, without having to have a huge fight over it, and causing all sorts of accusations to be thrown back-and-forth ?

      From what I’ve seen those who have gotten divorced after a short marriage are not necessarily as upset and prone to going mgtow, as those who’ve gotten divorced after a long term marriage.

    • Thank you Stephanie for your thoughtful comment.

      I’m a little iffy on the idea of getting rid of no fault divorce, because I think it’s possible that couples often do simply grow apart over time. I believe in the concept of irreconcilable differences. I think if we did away with that, those that no longer desire to be in their marriage will grow to resent, regret, become estranged, or otherwise stay miserable or toxic union. Even worse, they could become driven to accuse or commit to marriage violation (or even crime) simply for the purpose of getting out.

  • @Ash said: Things I most commonly see women bringing to men that I listed earlier in the post: Support, nurturing, respect, trust, empathy, companionship, partnership, intimacy, loyalty, fun, adventure, endurance through pain and illness, humility, beauty, family.

    Let’s accept that there are men and women who are successfully building a life together. This discussion is not about them. This discussion is about women wanting to attract, with the attributes quoted in the previous paragraph, one of the men who are not married.

    I read a quote once that, if men don’t compute that there is at least a 50-50 chance of success, they don’t even bother to try, where a woman will keep trying past the point of harming herself. Lets confine this comment to the quote about men. And I realize that, if men and women assess risk differently, my comment may not be understood by many women. But it would be useful to women to understand that this is how (some? many?) men think.

    Question for men and women: assume you are informed that there is a 50-50 chance your child will be struck by a car if you let them cross the street by themselves. Will you still happily let your child cross the street by themselves just because there is a 50% chance that they will make it across safely?

    Question for women: How valuable are the attributes listed in the first paragraph to a man who is convinced that there is at least a 50-50 chance that everything he and she work to build together will be split in half at some point in the undefined future, including his pension, and his children taken from him? Particularly when sexual activity is not listed as one of the attributes?

    If women can even begin to perceive a small portion of how big this issue is to the unmarried men, they will begin to understand the seriousness of the issue they face in finding a worthwhile man to marry them.

    Part of creating an appropriate solution to a problem is to make certain you have defined the problem correctly. So we should be careful to make certain that we keep these two issues separate: There are (some? many?) men who are as*holes. And there are (some? many?) unmarried men deeply concerned about the issues discussed in this post and in Stephanie’s. Of course, women would like to avoid men who are as*holes. But Ash’s comments seem to be about the women wondering why men don’t want to take the bait being dangled in front of them (the stuff in the first paragraph above, that does not have sexual activity listed there). So these comments are ignoring the issue of men being as*holes.

    I assume these women are not focused on trying to attract someone else’s husband. That means they are (mainly) focused on attracting the attention of the men who are not married. These women would do well to understand that the things listed in the first paragraph of this post are all but meaningless to a fellow who is convinced that there is at least a 50% chance he will lose his children and half of what he has created at some point in the undetermined future.

    That is the value of revoking no-fault divorce. It increases to significantly more than 50% the likelihood that your child won’t be hit by a car as they cross the street alone. It increases to significantly more than 50% the likelihood that the man won’t have his children and half of what he has created taken away from him at some point in the undetermined future.

    And if a stable society, made up of stable families, has any value to whoever is reading this, revoking (or at least restructuring) the no-fault marriage law should be given some serious consideration.

    • I have spent an awful lot of time in court watching domestic situations play out. People (especially women) have little problem making things up and lying about what their spouse has/has not done.

      I have seen the result of when an unhappy spouse pushes the other in to doing something inappropriate. Baiting spouses in to situations happens very frequently. This often ruins the man’s life, well beyond what they deserve.

      I think that no fault is a much better option, then causing a reason to get a divorce.

      Again, why would you want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you?

      • Fml – your question why would you want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you? is an irrelevant question from a social contract point of view. If a stable society, with stable family formation, is viewed as a desireable goal, then the question(s) become more about what will help bring that about. If children damaged by divorce (or fighting within an intact family) grow up to be damaged adults that destabilize society, then society has an interest in discovering what might prevent that from happening. Making it harder for folks to get married won’t stop women from creating children, because they don’t have to be married to do that. Making it harder to get divorced might cause some to think more before they get married. But that is not the goal, because unmarried folks can still create and damage children. The goal is to decrease the number damaged children. No-fault divorce seems to have increased the number of damaged children, not reduced it. I don’t see how that is a desireable outcome. But I also don’t see any way to reduce the number of damaged children if women are allowed to continue acting out at will, without any governing body (husband or the courts) calling her behavior to account.

      • Fnu, Mnu, I hadn’t even read your comment yet when I commented on Stephanie’s a minute ago. I also think that with no-fault divorce out of the way, those who wish to get out of marriage will lie to make it look like there is fault, or they themselves will commit fault by deliberately sabotaging the relationship.

        I understand the desire for revoking no-fault, but I just don’t think it would prove to be good in practice.

    • jdrphilp, the way I see it, revoking no fault divorce may mean less divorce in general, but does it decrease unhappy marriages? Estranged or separated marriages? Toxic or abusive marriages?

      I think that should be a goal. Another goal would be collecting an accurate, full scope understanding of why so many women wish to get divorced in the first place.

      Why are so many marriages failing? The answer should be more complicated than women just being callous, evil, hypergamous monsters….which is the issue I take with mgtow, since that is the picture many of them are trying to paint, in my observations.

      • I think that children are damaged significantly more, when they are forced to remain in a dysfunctional family unit, than in a somewhat civil divorced situation “for the sake of the children” is a faulty ideal.

      • Fine. Keep no fault divorce.

        Then outlaw alimony. No spouse gets alimony, regardless of circumstance.

        And default custody of children to the parent who is not suing for divorce.

        Give me those two things and we can keep nofault.

      • There is no “allow” here.

        No one prevents women from working during a marriage. No one is forcing women to be stay home moms. No one forces women to do anything.

        Women overwhelmingly want to be sahm s. And then they want to leave their marriages and force their ex husbands to pay. That’s wrong.

        • I hear an overwhelmingly bit of contempt for career women and daycare moms from a few different corners of the world but you’re right, women can do as they please.

          It’s better to have your own money and not have to mess with all that.

    • RichardP, I don’t think many would like the consequences of discarding no fault divorce. I think it would mean nastier divorces and custody battles.

  • The problem is that women do not want the men who want these things. Ash, you have talked about “good men” wanting these things. What you’re ignoring is that women reject “good men” all the time. Those men you denigrated in your post were good men – men who worked hard, played by the rules,and still lost everything. So you’re wrong I’m blaming this on men.

    Sure , women have things to offer. But they do not want the men who want those things.

    • Insecure and low value women ignore good men. Sadly, the same thing can happen for women by men. The good girl type is often overlooked for someone more promiscuous, dramatic, and commanding. However, in general, I do believe that good women are looking for good men and vice versa.

      • No. Even the so called “good women” are ignoring “good men”. You are just wrong about this.

        • If these women are ignoring good men and going after lesser men of any sort, how good can these women be? They are settling for shitty behavior most likely, which is foolish. Doesn’t sound very ‘good’ to me.

      • And no, the good girl type is the one doing the ignoring. Men display. Women select. Women control everything about this process. Good women are ignoring all but the most attractive men now. The present situation in the SMP gives women all the power.

      • Come on, you know the answer. Good women are ignoring all but the most attractive man, because they can. Good women can command attractive players for sex. And women are proving it time and time again, over and over again, that that is what they want. They can get attractive men for sex, and prefer attractive men for sex. They are proving it over and over again, by what they actually do.

      • You’re not hearing me. That’s ok. I’ll move on, and thanks for letting me comment. Suffice it to say, we simply don’t see these things the same way.

    • There are a lot of men who want those things but aren’t good men for other reasons. I’m saying that if these good girls are ignoring someone, there could be a reason…other than him not being attractive.

      “No. Even the so called “good women” are ignoring “good men”.

      “Good women are ignoring all but the most attractive man, because they can. Good women can command attractive players for sex.”

      At this point I’m wondering how you measure the goodness of a woman as well.

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